Nothing But Heart (Advice?)

 
       
 
Jul 11, 2018, 03:18 PM

Hello! This song needs a lot of help. I feel like the idea has a lot of potential but I can’t seem to make the writing live up to it. Could you please offer some advice? Please be really critical. You won’t hurt my feelings. It is supposed to be a country song. I haven’t gotten to the bridge or end yet because I’ve been so frustrated with the rest of it.


(Verse 1)
Here I am at 2 a.m. with ripped nails and an empty pen

High on sugar and low on coffee tryin’ not to give in

Tear stained hands around my head or pressed together prayin’

God what more can I do? Holding on with nothing to hold onto.

(Chorus)
Because the scales were weighed uneven

The dealer dealt me the wrong cards

You were born with better gifts,

and I was made with deeper scars.

You are basking in the spotlight,

while I am drowning in the dark.

Though you give nothing at all,

and I give nothing but heart.

(Verse 2)
You knew the thing I’ve worked my life for would be my dream come true,

For you it was just another trophy for the trophy room

just another checkmark on your list of things to put me through.

Now the one thing that I wanted has been given to you

(Chorus)


This song is the intellectual property of Taylor Masse and is protected by federal and state copyright laws

 
     
Taylor M Joined Jul 11, 2018
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Jul 11, 2018, 04:58 PM
Taylor M - 11 July 2018 03:18 PM

(Verse 1)
Here I am at 2 a.m. with ripped nails and an empty pen
High on sugar and low on coffee tryin’ not to give in
Tear stained hands around my head or pressed together prayin’
God what more can I do? Holding on with nothing to hold onto.

(Chorus)
Because the scales were weighed uneven
The dealer dealt me the wrong cards
You were born with better gifts,
and I was made with deeper scars.
You are basking in the spotlight,
while I am drowning in the dark.
Though you give nothing at all,
and I give nothing but heart.
...

Hi Taylor. Ooo, I’d love to spend some time with this one, but I’m on my way out of town so that won’t be happening. So just quickly, when I look at reviewing my own work, I always try to find the weakest point. For me, the weakest point for this song is the chorus. It rests too heavily in mixed ideas like scales, cards, spotlight, drowning (none of these relate to each other and all of these are worn ideas so if you’re going to use them, use them well). That said, you’re right, you’ve got a sweet idea here. I think reworking the chorus around the central lines about ‘giving’ would do it a service.

As for the verses, I always try to write with the rhythm of the line in mind. Seeing as I don’t know the melody you’re thinking of, these suggestions (for verse one only, sorry) are made with only rhythm in mind. They might actually be completely inappropriate for the melody you’ve in mind…

Here I am at 2 a.m. with ripped nails and an empty pen (quill???)  :)
I’m high on sugar and low on caffeine tryin’ keep the faith

Tear stained hands grippin’ at my head…or graspin’ at the prayers I give
God what more can I do? Holding on when there’s nothing to hold onto.

“Caffeine” sings better than “coffee” so most of these suggestions were made to fit that one change. If that’s the direction you want to take it, then verse two would have to be adjusted to fit.

Jen   :)

[ Edited: 11 July 2018 05:03 PM by Jenny Stokes]

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jul 11, 2018, 07:05 PM

Taylor, you’re right - it has potential. It’s not a song yet, but it’s got a central idea that’s really worth writing about. Most lyrics here don’t have that. I love the intensity.

First. let me make sure I understand the message. The singer has been putting a lot of effort into something and not reaching her goals, while the other person easily, almost casually, achieves what eludes her. Is that it? Whatever, she has been trying to do involves a pen and coffee - songwriting?

I’d change the line “and I give nothing but heart” to “and I gave all my heart.” Presumably, the singer gave blood, sweat and tears, as well as heart.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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