DOES HE?

 
       
 
Sep 11, 2018, 08:04 PM

DOES HE?
Heard you moved on with someone new
got his arms around you too
kissed the kiss you wanted to
but

does it feel the sameee?
does he kiss you like I did
does he love you like I did?
cause I kinda do


does he hold your hand?
does he say what i used to say?
cause i think of you
night and day, oh everyday
you know its true
cause i cant let go of youuu
I´m still holding hope
oh maybe one day

Is it the same to youuu?
are your happier with him?
is it true? or did you just like the view?

does it feel the same?
does he hold your hand?
does he say what i used to say?
cause i think of you
night and day, oh everyday
you know its true
cause somehow i cant let go
I´m still holding hope
oh maybe one day

does he wake you up everyday
just to say i love you babe
does your smile make him forget
why yesterday he was so upset?

does he call you every night
just to say honey sleep tight
goodbye kisses on the phone
darlin have a goodnight
see you tomorrow first thing in the daylight

does he hold you in his arms
does he stand by your side
does he say im yours
for the rest of his life

Does it feel the same to you?
does he love you like i do
are your happier with him?
is it true? or did you just like the view?

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Sep 13, 2018, 02:29 PM

Think this will sing well. Hope you get the right music and vocals for it.

 
     
carroll kiphen Joined Feb 22, 2016
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Sep 13, 2018, 08:04 PM
carroll kiphen - 13 September 2018 02:29 PM

Think this will sing well. Hope you get the right music and vocals for it.


thanks! Me too!

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Sep 14, 2018, 05:03 AM

I took this first Three-Line Stanza as a First Verse. After reading on I think it is an Introductory Recitation. A First Verse sets a pattern of Rhyme-Scheme and Melody I would expect to repeat. A Verse Lyric sets up for the Chorus Lyric, which I took the Second Four-Line Stanza to be. It can be very strong Hook-Factor to get listeners to the Chorus that quickly. But there is so much Repetition and various numbers of Lines in Stanzas that I’m not sure what is Chorus and what is Verse. You could label components as Introductory Movement, which may mean instrumental work, 10 to 14 seconds to ‘intro’ the Song, and Verse 1, V2, Chorus, Bridge if it needs one, and Coda, a final Musical Movement of a composition.

A Song needs ‘enough’ Structure to enable listeners to hear ‘Repetition’ and ‘Change’. A Song must have ‘enough’ Repetition, and ‘enough’ Change to keep it interesting. ‘Too little’ Repetition or ‘too much’ Change, can lose listener interest. The concept of ‘Enough’ is a judgment call for the Songwriter. YOU should be ‘hooked’ the same way you hope other listeners will be, and stay ‘Hooked’ to the end. Listeners come ‘unhooked’ and drift off to other thoughts, and only notice when the Song ends that they haven’t been listening.

Sep 11, 2018, 08:04 PM
DOES HE?
Heard you moved on with someone new
(I recommend you get a noun or pronoun in Line 1, the ‘actor’ to do the ‘action’ of the verb. ‘I heard…’ In Line 1 you introduce the ‘Singer-Character’, the one who ‘Heard’, and the ‘Love-Interest Character’, the ‘you’. We instantly perceive someone talking directly to someone else, known as ‘Conversational Lyric-Style’. There is Hook-Factor in getting listeners to imagine Characters and want to know more of what the Singer-Character is talking about, which is the ‘eternal love triangle’, introducing the ‘Other-Man Character, ‘someone new’. We’re either eves-dropping on their conversation or, a strong ‘Hook-Factor’, we ‘assume’ the persona of the Singer-Character, the one speaking, or the Love-Interest Character, the one spoken to, or, perhaps see ourselves as the Other-Man Character. But we are ‘hooked’ into the story with Line 1.)

got his arms around you too
(Line 2, omits the pronoun-actor to do the verb-action. ‘He’s got his arms around you too.’)
(Line 3 could be a continuation of Line 2, without another pronoun, or could stand alone with ‘He kissed…’)
kissed the kiss you wanted to
but (I recommend omission of ‘but’, ‘and’, ‘cause’, as unnecessary words. Listeners get the idea without them. They clutter up the lines for the singer. The Line and story can read the same without them.)

(This next Stanza seems to get to the point of the Lyric, making me think it is the Chorus. That’s what a Chorus does. Verses do ‘Exposition’ ‘exposing’ the story, Characters, and situation. A Chorus gets to the ‘germ’ of what’s on the Singer-Character’s mind.)
Does it feel the sameee? (I think you’re indicating sustaining duration of the note on ‘same’, ‘sameee’, with extra e’s. But it would be the ‘a’ sound that is sustained. Depicting it as ‘sa-a-ame’ might work better for a reader. I felt like ‘fee-eel’ would be sustained too.)
Does He kiss you like I did? (Here is the first use of the title, THE Hook.)
Does He love you like I did? (And a second use, driving it home as the main idea.)
‘cause I kinda do (Here a Songwriter’s judgment on whether to say ‘Because’ or ‘cause’, and whether to say it at all, or if the Line would work without it.)

(Just that Four-Line ‘Chorus’ could work. Simplicity, getting the Song to the next Verse and more ‘Exposition’ of the storyline.)

(But you seem to have more Chorus-Style questions, using the title, so I’m not sure if this is Chorus or Verse.)
Does He hold your hand? (THE Hook/title.)
Does He say what I used to say? (THE Hook)
‘cause I think of you (Would the Line sing better/the same, without ‘cause’?)
night and day, oh every day
You know it’s true
‘cause I cant let go of youuu (‘cause’?)
I’m still holding hope
Oh maybe one day
(The Rhyme-Scheme has gotten complex. It may work.)

(Below another Three-Line segment. Chorus or Verse? Questioning continues, repeating the ‘same’ concept, sustaining ‘youuu’.)
Is it the same to youuu?
Are your happier with him?
Is it true? Or did you just like the view?

(Then there is a Repetition, which implies it is the Chorus.)
does it feel the same?
does he hold your hand?
does he say what i used to say?
cause i think of you
night and day, oh every day
you know its true
cause somehow i cant let go
I´m still holding hope
oh maybe one day
(The title repeated twice, may work up in the top of the Chorus (?). Ideally a title and main idea are at or near the end. There are a lot of lines. The strength of that idea right at the first line of the Chorus (?) may be lost. Simplicity, fewer Lines, just the main idea might be stronger.)

(Below, another Four-Line Stanza, and another, new words in Expositional style, not Repetition, the questioning style ‘Does He’ title, a new Rhyme-Scheme. There is an accumulation of Change that may be ‘too much’, in that ‘enough’ factor.)
does he wake you up everyday

is it true? or did you just like the view?

(So I’m confused in the Structure. Sometimes reading a Lyric is harder to comprehend than hearing it sung. How long does it take to sing? Anything above 3 minutes 30 seconds might not be radio-friendly. They like short Songs leaving more time for commercial breaks to pay the bills.)

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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