Need help for a chorus - anyone?

 
       
 
Oct 10, 2018, 07:55 AM

Hi,

I just wrote a lyric but only came up with the verses. The chorus I have trouble of coming up with.
Anyone here who wants to help me and come with suggestions? You are also welcome to improve and come with the suggestions for the lyric it self.

Thanks!

Lyric

She was the love of my life
And she says she got nothing for it
She used to hold me tight
But I made her lose that grip
Now I’m standing in the corner
Watching her from a far
My heart needs a coroner
And my soul is ripped apart

Chorus? (any help?)

Sometimes I fool myself
Maybe someday she’ll come around
I do everything to be there
When she finally does
But I quickly come to my senses
All of that is just a dream
I can still hear her voice saying
“What we had wasn’t real”

Chorus? (any help?)

Bridge
Sometimes I wish
You could Feel what I feel
Then you never would say
That what we had wasn’t real

Last Chorus

 
     
David Johansson Joined Mar 04, 2018
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Oct 10, 2018, 09:40 AM

David,

Your bridge is probably your chorus. The verses set up the action and the choruses provide how we FEEL about it. I would however, make the character tenses consistant, “SOMETIMES I WISH SHE COULD FEEL WHAT I FEEL…..” You would always want to keep the song focused on who you are singing about.

Something you might thing about is putting in REAL DETAILS of this relationship.
Why did she get nothing from it?
What were you doing that you could have done better?
Where were you when she told you this?
Why did it all go south?
If you got her back, what would you do differently?

Those would be my initial suggestions.

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Oct 10, 2018, 09:47 AM

David, you probably want to avoid switching from third person “she” to second person “you” in the bridge.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Oct 10, 2018, 10:00 AM
MBarne4908 - 10 October 2018 09:40 AM

David,

Your bridge is probably your chorus. The verses set up the action and the choruses provide how we FEEL about it. I would however, make the character tenses consistant, “SOMETIMES I WISH SHE COULD FEEL WHAT I FEEL…..” You would always want to keep the song focused on who you are singing about.

Something you might thing about is putting in REAL DETAILS of this relationship.
Why did she get nothing from it?
What were you doing that you could have done better?
Where were you when she told you this?
Why did it all go south?
If you got her back, what would you do differently?

Those would be my initial suggestions.

You are right. But this is the hard part.
Firstly this is not a relationship I have had. Its just a story.
Secondly, to get details in a song and still be within right amount of words, sentences, verses etc and still make it sound good is really hard.
I think we all know that.

But I will se if I can get your suggestion into the lyric in a good way.

 
     
David Johansson Joined Mar 04, 2018
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Oct 10, 2018, 11:33 AM

David,

It is correct, that you have a short amount of time to get your information in. All the more reason you make sure you have tangible visual images that people can see in their mind’s eye from the first line. Having all emotion doesn’t fill in those gaps as most have been heard so many times before. A general rule of thumb would be to be specific in your verses, general in your choruses.
Having it not be a personal relationship is a good thing as you are not so attached. You could change the entire focus to a third person observer.

From the sixth grade on
She was the love of his life
But there came a time
She no longer held him tight
So now he stands on their porch
And watches her walk away
And wonders what has brought them to this place

Chorus
SOMETIMES HE JUST WISHES
SHE COULD FEEL WHAT HE FEELS
THEN SHE WOULD NEVER SAY
WHAT THEY HAD WASN’T REAL

Was it all those nights
He kept working late
Was it those missed anniversreys
Forgotten birthdays
Was his dream her nightmare
Is that what’s made her walk away
Is he he now haunted by the words
He didn’t say


just some general ramblings, not knowing any music, patterns or what you are doing, I couldn’t say much. Probably could extend the chorus a couple lines to build a bit more story and draw a conclusion, but if you put some details it could pay off a bit more.

MAB

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Oct 10, 2018, 08:55 PM

The first ‘fix’ would be to get a Rhyme-Scheme. English language Lyrics usually Rhyme, a device to make them ‘memorable’.

Another ‘fix’ I’d recommend is to let the Singer-Character speak directly to the Love-Interest Character, ‘You’ instead of ‘She’. Saying ‘She’ makes it the Singer-Character speaking to me, the audience, telling me his ‘complaint’. That can work. In such a personal relationship I think he should be talking directly to her, not me.

Next ‘fix’: focus. Just what IS his complaint? What’s the main idea? What’s the ‘gist’ of the ‘story’? He’s hung up on the love he lost. He’s suffering from the disillusionment of what he thought the relation was, and what she finally revealed as a totally different value on it, after he was so invested in it.

I found a focus, but you could find another one.

You’re Killing Me

I thought you were the love of my life!
How can you say you got nothing for it?
You used to hold to me so tight!
The way you made love made me adore it!
Now I’m watching you from afar!
The world has changed my lucky star!

Somebody call the coroner!

You’re Killing Me!
I’m dying on my feet!
You’re Killing Me!
My heart’s missing a beat!
You’re Killing Me!
Bitter cold
Freezes the heat!
You’re Killing Me!

Was it you or did I fool myself,
Thinking’ maybe someday you’ll come around?
I’ve got to come to my senses!
I can’t keep on letting you let me down!
Now I’m watching you from afar!
The world has changed my lucky star!

Somebody call nine - one - one!

You’re Killing Me!
I’m dying on my feet!
You’re Killing Me!
My heart’s missing a beat!
You’re Killing Me!
Bitter cold
Freezes the heat!
You’re Killing Me!

Bridge
Oh! Doctor!
Hit me again!
Can’t you see
I’m a dying man!?
Oh! Doctor!
Hit me again!
Can’t you see
I’m a dying man!?

Last Chorus
You’re Killing Me!
I’m dying on my feet!
You’re Killing Me!
My heart’s missing a beat!
You’re Killing Me!
Bitter cold
Freezes the heat!
You’re Killing Me!
You’re Killing Me!
I’m dying on my feet!
You’re Killing Me!
My heart’s missing a beat!
You’re Killing Me!
Bitter cold
Freezes the heat!
You’re Killing Me!
You’re Killing Me!
You’re Killing Me!
This is Murder One baby!
And I’m the ONE!
No! You’re not under arrest.
You just need to give it a rest!
Here’s yer hat!
What’s yer hurry?
Yeah. Don’t call me.
I’ll call you.
Your number?
Yeah, I’ve got YOUR number for sure!
Talk about missin’ a bullet!
You kill me.

[ Edited: 14 October 2018 12:50 PM by Gary E. Andrews]

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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Oct 11, 2018, 07:02 AM

The First verse is hardly going to pull any one in

you finish with My Soul Is Ripped apart

And yet you were pushing her away re

I made her lose her grip ?????

And you start with She was the love of my love

Marc has some suggestions that would make more sense ,

I would say start again

The best would be take the whole thing to Third Person

Make the whole thing read better

You have one verse to make the listener want to hear more

Do that and think about a chorus before you even start in effect

work backwards

 
     
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Peter Kristian Joined Jan 11, 2008
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Oct 11, 2018, 08:54 AM

Here is a little “pro tip” that professionals have to keep in mind when writing, particularly if you are NOT an artist. On any pitch sheet, any publishers meeting, one phrase you will hear all the time, “UP TEMPO AND POSITIVE.” That actually means “MID TEMPO and NOT NEGATIVE.”
The reason is that audiences have a tendency to feel the singer is singing from real experience and singing to them. So the ANGRIER a lyric is, the farther away pro writers, publishers, etc. want to be with it.
Would depend on your genre, some rock, rap hip hop, etc. depend on anger, but like all music, that is almost 100% self contained. The artists, their producers, or inner circles write that.

Also, audiences are OVERWHELEMED in this day and age with anger and negativity. And in light of the “#METOO” movement that is going on worldwide, if you want to get accusitory to a woman in this environment, you are literally taking your life in your own hands.

So the general idea is that the more romantic, involved, loving, whatever you want to “BRING TO YOU” make third person and let THEM display the anger. If you want to display the anger, frustration, or whatever, you dissuade it from the audience and make it seems like “It’s him, not ME.” Very important.

From a practical standpoint, I don’t know how many of you are actually OUT there dealing with the general public, but you have never seen them tune out of a song faster when it seems preachy, angry, vindictive, etc. Those are the songs you go to the bathroom, start your conversations back on, or simply leave. As I watch artists and writers simply walk into brick walls with the more negative, angry bitter stuff, it is sort of like watching Lemmings walk off a cliff. There they go, jumping into the abyss to never be heard from again.

From the point of view of a singer, I’d never want to preach at or display anger to my audience, But again, it’s not the genre I work it. If I was an 17-21 year old artist, that is probably what I would do, (well I say that guardedly because I never cared for being ignored, so I didn’t even do that when I was a 17-21 year old artist.

So this would first depend on what your intentions for this song is. If it is as you say, NOT a personal experience, then you might want to avoid the negative. But if you wanted to go there, rip away. At any rate, put some details in it and see if that helps you pull the chorus together.

OR:

Just ignore all the advice and write what you want and what you feel. At the end of the day, it’s your song and you can do whatever you want with it. Good luck.

MAB

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Oct 12, 2018, 01:28 AM

Deceiving eyes
And hearts unkind
Souls cannot lie
Love is not blind

 
     
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JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
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Oct 12, 2018, 10:11 AM

Thanks for all replies. I will take a lot of this to heart and see what I can do.
When it comes to genre I am thinking of modern country of some kind.

Any one here good at that kind of music?

 
     
David Johansson Joined Mar 04, 2018
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