Train of thoughts

 
       
 
Oct 10, 2018, 08:26 PM

Hello!
I’m posting the lyrics I’ve just written for another song of mine, asking for feedback.
It’s not a ballad, but has a quite reflective mood.

Train of thoughts

VERSE1
I’m resting here in my own room
too much silence all around
just the sound of time slowly ticking away
Lots of questions spinning ‘round my head,
things I love and things I hate,
hopes for the future
and chances I’ve lost.

VERSE2
I wonder why everyday
I would like to fly away
though I’m slave to some kind of gravity,
so for every plan to change my life,
some strange fear holds me back,
I end up with another castle
in the sky.

BRIDGE
If I took that job I’d leave this town,
travel the world and make a lot of friends
but I missed the boat like a fool
and fell into a routine with no end.

VERSE3
Should I stop dreaming and just be glad
I still manage to get by,
despite all the dangers that surround me?
But I know if I don’t harry up,
the best years will pass me by,
all hope for a brighter future
will be gone.

CHORUS
Here comes my love
she softly calls my name
and wakes me up from this neverending
train of thoughts!
She takes me into her arms,
and makes me realize
who makes my time brighter
is here by my side!

BRIDGE
Will I be strong enough to carry on
when I’ll have to face the darkest nights?
all I know is I feel so unprepared
and all this thinking is gonna drive me mad!

VERSE4
I’m still resting here in my own room
few cars passing in the street                        
all the town is wasting time before going to sleep
some stay out a bit more laughing with friends,
some at home just watching TV,
I’m doing something fancy
such as nothing at all!

CHORUS-B
Here comes my love
she softly calls my name
and wakes me up from this neverending
train of thoughts!
She takes me into her arms,
and makes me realize
wo’ll make this night brighter
is here by my side!

 
     
Christian Comaschi Joined Nov 23, 2014
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Oct 11, 2018, 10:01 AM

Hey Christian. This seems to fall into the category of generalized moaning. I can’t help feeling that the audience will just be wishing you would stop it. You’re sitting in your room feeling sorry for yourself, and it takes you two verses before you even give us a hint as to why - you didn’t take a job. Then you get a bit more positive when the love interest appears in the chorus, after three verses and a bridge have already gone by. By that time, I think it might be too late. You need to give us something to get our teeth into, a reason to sympathize. For that, you probably need to be more specific.

It’s long, and you have a very strange format. Verse, verse, bridge, verse, chorus, bridge, verse, chorus. I think it’s Gary who likes to say, “Don’t bore us, get to the chorus.” I think that applies here. Also, a bridge between two verses is very strange and musically kind of redundant. My advice, for what it’s worth, is make it shorter, give us some more concrete details as to why he feels this way (give him a “grown-up” reason to feel down), change the structure to something like verse, chorus, verse, chorus, bridge, chorus. I would also shift the emphasis from him feeling sorry about himself to how his love makes him feel better.

These comments are offered in a constructive spirit and with the caveat that there is no particular reason to assume that I know what I’m talking about :)

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Oct 11, 2018, 11:07 AM

Thanks a lot Gavin!
Yes, the song structure is really strange, and probably I should post the tune; anyway I’ll rewrite most of it with the intention to make it less static and tell a bit more abouot his love.
I’ll come back soon with a new draft AND the tune, just to make the song structure clearer to whoever wants to help me!

 
     
Christian Comaschi Joined Nov 23, 2014
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Oct 13, 2018, 12:22 AM

***WARNING WARNING WARNING***
Gavin is easily bored !!!! :)

 
     
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JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
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Oct 13, 2018, 12:36 AM
JAPOV - 13 October 2018 12:22 AM

***WARNING WARNING WARNING***
Gavin is easily bored !!!! :)

What was that, Tony? I tuned out half way through your post.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Oct 13, 2018, 01:30 AM

Someone once told me that boredom is a sure sign of genius…..
That guy was no fun at all!!!!

 
     
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JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
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