Please, help for lyrics

 
       
 
Oct 11, 2018, 02:00 PM

Some of you already know that my English is sometimes not correct, so I would appreciate someone telling me what is right and what is wrong with the lyrics.
It’s a song I made over a year ago and it’s on Youtube but now I would like to make sure it’s okay and if it’s not, I’ll do it again. Thank you very much.  Mora

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(Tittle) When I become a monster

When I become a monster
I observe myself
from that distance that the foreign gives

And I plunge in the sensations
of the obscure of myself
when I open the door
in my thought,
of the perverse,
of the abstract of the free will
the free will, the free will

When I become a monster
I observe my life
from the flames that Hell gives

And I plunge in the temptation
of the obscure of my dreams
when I let the fire burns
all the words
of those paths
of the abstract of the free will,
the free will, the free will….

I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

 
     
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Mora Amaro Joined Oct 19, 2017
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Oct 11, 2018, 02:24 PM

Hi Mora. Part of the charm of your songs is their unusual quality, so it’s not a case of fixing them, maybe just of changing parts where it sounds like that unusual quality was not intentional. I’ve made a couple of suggestions below.

When I become a monster
I observe myself
from that distance that the foreign gives

And I plunge into the sensations
of the my own obscurity (or “of the obscurity of myself” if you want it to be echoed by the similar line later)
when I open the door
into my thoughts,
of the perverse,
of the abstract of the free will
the free will, the free will

When I become a monster
I observe my life
from the flames offered up by Hell

And I plunge into the temptation
of the obscurity of my dreams
when I let the fire burn
all the words
of those paths
of the abstract of the free will,
the free will, the free will….

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Oct 11, 2018, 02:41 PM

Hi Gavin!

Many thanks; do you think maybe I can say
“of the dark of myself”
and “of the dark of my dreams”
better than “the obscurity of myself”?

I find I can say better this word when singing.
Thank you very much. Mora

I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

 
     
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Mora Amaro Joined Oct 19, 2017
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Oct 11, 2018, 03:15 PM

I think that would be just as good or better, Mora. You should maybe think of “darkness” instead of “dark.” English does use adjectives as nouns, but it’s less common than in some other languages.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Oct 11, 2018, 04:19 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 11 October 2018 03:15 PM

You should maybe think of “darkness” instead of “dark.” English does use adjectives as nouns, but it’s less common than in some other languages.

Perfect, I will use “darkness”. Many thanks for your interest, your time and your help. Be well. Mora

I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

 
     
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Mora Amaro Joined Oct 19, 2017
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Oct 17, 2018, 07:14 AM

Hi Mora.I went on your channel and I liked very much what I heard.I wouldn’t worry about your English.On this site there would be always some of our friends who let’s you know if you would make a mistake.I have been corrected few times.Charles Aznavour had his problems with some lyrics and Gilbert Becaud (who,I pride myself, met and we shook hands) had the same.So we are in a pretty good company.Keep making music! Good luck.OK

 
     
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Otto Kristen Joined Jul 26, 2006
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