Essence - New Songwriter

Aug 17, 2005, 02:58 PM

Hey Everyone,

Little background on me, always had a love for music and I currently play guitar and will be picking up piano and drums as time and money allow. Anyway, have some lyrics that I’ve written and would like some opinions, so let me know what you think. Thanks!

Rick

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Essence

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I heard you say the words

That you just can’t do this anymore

I know just what you mean

For awhile it’s been knocking on my heart’s door

I’m trying to face the fact, that losing you is the fate I’m facing

But I can’t take this pain, you’re all I want, and I’m just not waiting

You are my life’s wish

You are my heart’s dream

You are the very thing

It seems God made out of what I need

I just can’t understand

Why you and I aren’t meant to be

When you are essence of my dreams

 

It seems our love is stronger

WIth every passing day and night

Even when we’re just friends

That’s when my love for you takes flight

I know I’m causing you pain when I turn and look away

But don’t you realize that it’s your eyes that takes my breath away

 

When will we find relief

When will you realize

You are everything I need

Oh Baby

Aug 17, 2005, 07:38 PM

It’s good but you don’t have a chorus. And I’m not one to judge on this because I do the same, but your meter is completely out of whack. But that is fine if it goes with your tune and melody and stuff.

Aug 18, 2005, 04:00 PM

This is really my first attempt at songwriting, and right now I don’t really have a tune in mind. I am just wondering of the opinion of the lyric before I start putting it to music. Thank you though for responding! :-)

Mar 18, 2010, 05:24 PM

Hey Rick,

How’s it going? I was just randomly back Peddling, looking up some of the older songs on this site, and I saw your song title, and I really liked it. So then I checked out the lyric, and I feel it is very good. (Yours is actually the first one that I looked at because nothing else seemed interesting.) I’m not sure when it dates back to, but I wanted to give it credit. One thing that strikes me about it, is the relationship in the song. Is/was it about you and someone? It Intrigued me. One reason why, is because it gives allusions to some more mysterious aspects that are hinted on, but not fully explained. I guess that is why I am writing, to find out more about the particulars. If this is a song about you and a girl, it’s got some very good things in it that make me think that you had or have a good chance with her still (if it’s about you). I’m married, and my life is very, very sweet, yet I have a friend who I feel was supposed to marry a girl, and they ended up not doing so. I ran into her later, and she looked not so good, almost unhealthy. And my friend, I have somehow lost contact info with him. He was actually instrumental in me finding my wife. So, it seemed in their case, they just needed to figure a few things out, and work through a few things of their own, and it probably would have been very great! Anyway, I hope you get this, and thanks man. Have a great day!

Shane

Mar 18, 2010, 06:09 PM

Well, I think it is great that you are taking a stab at songwriting. It takes some time to get decent at it for sure.. In this case what you are saying has been said just the way you did about a gazillion times.. One of the real challenges in songwriting is to come up with songs that are fresh.. Almost everything has been talked about in songwriting but we must find a new interesting way to say those same things.

I suggest a songwriting class or book to help you along. You have a nice way of writing so that is a big plus.. Just some training and a bit of trial and error and you will be on your way.

Good luck in your search.. Hope this has helped a bit

Mar 19, 2010, 08:12 PM

I think it is very pretty and heartfelt.
It takes time to learn the craft and i think you have a very good start and much talent.
It takes heart to write good songs and I see that you have this.
God Bless you on your songwriting journey.(Dont give up)
Shari
And welcome here!!!

Mar 20, 2010, 12:24 AM

Rick,

In songwriting, you are doing what a painter does, art, imagery, except for the ears not for the eyes…if what you write comes from the heart and is truly about the way that you feel about something, you have to make the listener believe what you are trying to say. That way they can SEE it in their mind. Think of it this way…if you are online at amazon.com or eBay shopping for a product…you have lots of choices to choose from but the one that stands out to you the most is the one that you will buy, right? What are you offering in your music to everyone that sets you apart from the rest of the churn? QUALITY or QUANTITY?
That’s the question that you have to ask yourself. The next question is…how badly do you want it? Think about it…if you are listening to music…and you want to do more than just HEAR it…really LISTEN, you are blind to what the author sees…that’s why Shane was wanting an explanation. If you were a famous musician/writer and this song was on the radio and not on SW101…he couldn’t ask you those questions about what you intended the song to be about could he?...Here’s an example of what I’m talking about…

If you were a blind man and if I told you that the moon is out and the stars are bright…could you SEE that in your mind? Is that really enough? Or, what if I said the moon shines brighter than candle light and stars light up the sky…is that a better picture? See what I mean? You have to paint a picture with your words and make people FEEL and SEE what they didn’t see before…instead of HEARING music…let them LISTEN and the mind does the rest…it’s all in perception and I truly believe in you and your writing skills.
I also believe that you have what it takes to be a great songwriter, you just have to work at that craft of songwriting until that craft of songwriting works you…you can do it and never give up brother!!

Your friend,

-LeeAndrew

Mar 20, 2010, 12:48 AM

Your words of wisedom should be posted on the front cover of Songwriters magazine LEE.
I couldnt have said it better. You are such a good person.
Hey~~ whens the baby coming ??
God bless you and your family,
Shari

Mar 20, 2010, 04:16 AM

I TOO IS AMATEUR IN THIS FIELD AND NOT THE CONNOISEUR BUT
PRETTY LYRICS
BUT NO DISTINCTION MADE
ELSE THE THEME IS NICE AND THE PRESENTATION IS ENTHRALLING..

Mar 20, 2010, 04:43 AM

‘’ Welcome back to the forum’‘.....Rick… Whoa.. I see sooooooo much potential with this Piece!!:):)
Rick….with a lil tweaking this song could be very marketable.. I have to commend you for your
efforts ‘‘to play the guitar——ah—-Rick I can actually hear the drums playing in this Piece
..Please remember youre the navigator of your ship..’‘You guide ,,direct and develop these Lyrics..’

*******
‘Shane has the right idea….......
you gotta get this Lyric..a lil more coherent[where it makes sense ]..and it has an even flow
‘‘Don;t worry about structure..right now,,tell the story..help us to understand;;What Essence is..
we have sooooo many people ‘‘here at the forum..’‘'who will love to help you…Rick:)
it;s a pleasure to meet you..:)

See you in a few;o
Shirl;o