Advice, Suggestions, etc..are welcomed! Song titled, “Lovin’ You”.

Mar 02, 2010, 03:27 AM

Lovin’ You

(Verse 1)

You said you loved me, such a well told lie,
I opened up to you, God knows I tried;
And now you say, you’re tired of holdin me,
But you kept my heart, when I set your’s free

(Chorus)

If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you

(Verse 2)

If I could do it over, this time I’d guard my soul,
Making sure that my feelings, stayed under control;
But it’s way too late, guess I fell too soon,
You stole my heart that night, beneath the summer moon

(Chorus)

If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you

Yeah, I’d run so wildly, my heart would be brand new,
If I could get a refund,?for lovin’ you ~

© Copyright 2009 Lovin’ You by Tasha Ray

Mar 02, 2010, 08:06 PM

Critique me, people!

Lol, seriously though, I would really like some feedback. The good, the bad, and the ugly!

Writing is my soul passion, and I have been writing in general since I was big enough to write,  but I know I still have much to learn about songwriting in order to be successful. So I would love some advice from others with more experience. Thanks ~

Mar 04, 2010, 08:52 PM

Your chorus and verse 2 are similarly constructed, while your verse 1 is different. You might have a better song if you used V1 as the chorus. This might change the title to “You Kept My Heart.”

You Kept My Heart

(Verse 1)
If I could do it over, this time I’d guard my soul,
I’d make sure my feelings, stayed under my control;
It’s way too late now. I guess I fell too soon.
You stole my heart that night, beneath the summer moon

(Chorus)
You said you loved me, such a well-told lie.
I opened up to you. God knows I tried.
Now you say, you’re tired of holdin’ me.
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free

(Verse 2)
If I could take it all back, I would not be broken.
There’d be no need to say, things we left unspoken.
I’d run so wildly. I’d still be just like new,
If I could get over, losing my love to you

(Repeat Chorus)
You said you loved me, such a well-told lie.
I opened up to you. God knows I tried.
Now you say, you’re tired of holdin’ me.
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free

(Verse 3?)
(Or a Bridge?)

(Repeat Chorus)
You said you loved me, such a well-told lie.
I opened up to you. God knows I tried.
Now you say, you’re tired of holdin’ me.
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free

(Coda)
I’d run so wildly. I’d still be just like new,
If I could get over, losing my love to you
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free
You Kept My Heart, when I set yours free

� Copyright 2009 Lovin’ You by Tasha Ray

Mar 06, 2010, 10:25 PM

Thanks Gary, I will chew on this for a while… I do like your arrangement!

Mar 10, 2010, 03:01 AM

I quite agree with Gary. I was intrigued with the first verse, but then the chorus came as a little anti-climax. Exchanging them is a brilliant idea. Cool re-write, Gary!

Cheers,
Bernd

Mar 11, 2010, 12:57 AM

I think the title would best be ” If I could”

Mar 11, 2010, 09:07 AM

Tasha

I think you have a good song.

Mar 11, 2010, 09:27 AM

Hi Tasha,
I like this one. I think your chorus is brilliant. I personally think it would be a good idea to add a bridge.

All the best
Robert

Mar 13, 2010, 09:47 AM

So ok…Gary, you were so right about my chorus and verse 2! And I didnt swap them around like you suggested simply because I just wasnt “feelin” it. However, your evaluation and advice helped to inspire a new wave of energy for the entire song!! Thank you :)

Robert, when I initially wrote this song last year, I also thought it needed a bridge, but for the life of me it just didn’t flow! Im so glad you ignited some fresh motivation to try again for a bridge. And to me, it seems that a lifeless song got CPR haha…Thanks so much for your feedback!

Charles, Anil, and Bernd…Thank you all for taking the time to even read this. I really appreciate it :)

Thank you all!! And Im going to put the new edited song in a post of its own ~

Mar 13, 2010, 09:51 AM

Lovin’ You ( Edited Version )

(Verse 1)
You said you loved me, such a well told lie,
I opened up to you, God knows I tried;
And now you say, you’re tired of holdin’ me,
But you kept my heart, when I set yours free ~

(Chorus)
If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you ~

(Verse 2)
Knowin’ then what I know now, I’d guard my soul,
Makin sure my feelings for you, never got out of control
But it’s way too late, my heart fell too soon
Cause you stole it all that night, beneath the summer moon ~

(Chorus)
If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you

(Bridge)
Well nobody gets ahead by lookin’ back
Gotta find the strength inside you think ya lack
And time will heal my wounded heart someday
But in the meanwhile, my teardrops say…

(End Chorus)
If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you

© Copyright 2009 Lovin’ You by Tasha Ray

Mar 13, 2010, 10:07 AM

, 03:27 AM
Lovin’ You

(Verse 1)

You said you loved me, such a well told lie,
I opened up to you, God knows I tried;
And now you say, you’re tired of holdin me,
But you kept my heart, when I set your’s free
. Crit v
Ok good

(Chorus)

If I could take it all back, maybe I wouldn’t be broken,
There’d be no need to mention, words left unspoken;
I’d run so wildly, be just like new,
If I could get a refund, for lovin’ you

Crit ch
Broken is way overused in todays music .. I would stay away from it for a while. You say MAYBE you would not be broken but 2 lines down you are running WILD.. Not making sense. You can not do or feel both at the same time. Clever line.. Refund for loving you.. I might rewrite this whole song around that line. Make it the hook but talk in the verses about Money Metaphores to make this hook sink in.

(Verse 2)

If I could do it over, this time I’d guard my soul,
Making sure that my feelings, stayed under control;
But it’s way too late, guess I fell too soon,
You stole my heart that night, beneath the summer moon

Crit v
You started your CH too much like this verses line one. And toward the end on line one you have chaned from Maybe not being broken to Guarding your soul.. It sounds like you are confused. .. How could you have fallen too soon if in verse one you set his free. And it sounded from the first verse that it was easy

Personally I would rewrite the whole thing. The best line is Refund on loving you…

Use that as your hook and build around it EXAMPLE

You said you loved me, such a well told lie,
That kind of love leaves my Love Bank dry (silly line but you get the idea)

Good start .. Hope you continue to improve this

Mar 13, 2010, 11:52 AM

Tom, Thanks for reading and for the brutally honest, constructive criticism lol

I will indeed mull over your advice :)

Mar 13, 2010, 12:03 PM

Sorry, I hope I did not make you feel bad. I think it is worth exploring this. Honestly I think it does have potential. The best songs are always rewritten.. I was trying to help .. I hope you will come to know that.

TOm

Mar 13, 2010, 01:24 PM

Yes, Tom I believe that and I sincerely appreciate it! I specifically asked for the good, the bad, and the ugly feedback.

No harm done at all. I genuinely appreciate you being honest with your opinion of the song.

Mar 13, 2010, 01:32 PM

And I do agree with you that “the best songs are always re-written”.

Tis better to spend an entire month editing one song and end up with 12 hit songs, than to write 12 decent non-hit songs every month!

Mar 13, 2010, 01:49 PM

Agreed, would you mind critiquing one of mine. I have not received any crits on my last one

Thanks