She Stands Between Us

Mar 13, 2010, 12:37 AM

I felt I needed to write and post something,,,I think I need a couple more verses but depends on music

She Stands Between Us By Darlene C.. McCoy©2010

I knew I could make you forget her
I thought that my love would hold you
But she has a place in your heart
That I could never break through

She stands between us
Even though I can’t see
I always feel her presence
When you look in my eyes
you don’t see me
You have to break free
Cause she stands between us

I held my heart out in my hand
Giving my love to only you
You took my soul with my heart
How will I make it through,,without you

She stands between us
Even though I can’t see
I always feel her presence
When you look in my eyes
you don’t see me
You have to break free
Cause she stands between us

I can’t stand to see you hurt
I know my love is true
But If she is what you want
Then I want whats best for you

Mar 13, 2010, 04:26 AM

very good write Darlene
God Bless You,
Shari

Mar 13, 2010, 07:20 AM

another piece here.very cool.

Mar 13, 2010, 10:25 AM

hello. Darlene. I like what you have and have some suggs for ya.. Just ideas so keep or sweep.. Hope it helps

I knew I could make you forget her
I thought that my love would hold you
But she has a place in your heart
That I could never break through

Crit v
Line one and two sound wishey washey. Line one YOU KNEW and line two YOU THOUGHT.. Sounds like you were not sure from the get go. I don’t think that is what you meant. I like the last two lines

She stands between us
Even though I can’t see
I always feel her presence
When you look in my eyes
you don’t see me
You have to break free
Cause she stands between us

Crit
I like this a lot.. I think it could be expanded on even more

She stands between us
Even though I can’t see her
I always feel her presence
When you look into my eyes
She stands between us
You don’t even see me
You seem to look right through me
What’s going through your mind
Cause she stands between us

Just an idea

I held my heart out in my hand
Giving my love to only you
You took my soul with my heart
How will I make it through,,without you

Crit
I feel like you need some clever lines here. This is too simple. Find a way to get through or something.. Dunno.. this verse is weak as it stands though

Mar 13, 2010, 10:25 PM

Thank You Shari and Faustina..God Bless you also

Darlene

Mar 13, 2010, 10:43 PM

Hey Tom,,,thanks for stopping in and giving me something to think about..

In the first verse It was an unsure statement,,,maybe if I added just

I just knew I could make you forget her
I thought that my love would hold you
But she has a place in your heart
That I could never break through

Yeah that last verse is boring,,I need to work on it..

I used some of what you had on the chorus,,,what ya think

She stands between us
Even though I can’t see
I always feel her presence
When you’re looking at me
She stands between us
What’s going through your mind
Do you stay with me forever
or leave me behind
Cause she stands between us

Thanks Tom

Darlene

Mar 25, 2010, 01:17 AM

I love this song- know the feeling so can empathize…I like the rewrite but suggest you keep the line where hs is looking at her but does not even see her because that is the truth of it all…

Excellent song ...very real. :)

Simone

Mar 25, 2010, 09:00 AM

WOW. Brilliant! Your write is ON, Dar.

Hugs
JD

Mar 25, 2010, 07:56 PM

Hi Simone ,,How are ya,,

Thanks so much…yes you are right ,,it is what it is all about ,,Thanks for the slap..

Hugz Darlene

Mar 25, 2010, 08:00 PM

Hey JD,,I feel honored ,,Brilliant is good….lol….thank you for the thumbs up..How have you been?

Hugz Dar