Eyes

Mar 16, 2010, 02:37 AM

Hey guys, just looking for any feedback on these… This is just a rough outline of what I wrote tonight…I’m still working on the chorus (which may be totally changed, it was done in a hurry) but wanted thoughts on what I had so far. Thanks in advance!

She looks up at me
And says I love those eyes
When I see them close
They’re like two blue skies

I said,
“Sometimes I feel like the sky
I can be so blue
Are they lookin at me
Or are they lookin through?”

Chorus:
If you don’t want me bent
Keep those storm clouds away
Or there’s a hundred percent
Chance of rain
I hope this message I’ve sent
Will keep storms at bay
I’ll do anything to prevent
You from leaving today

I love those eyes
As she looks at me
When I look into them
They’re clear as the sea

I said,
“I can be like the sea
It goes so deep
It’s the surface they see
Can’t they look beneath?”

Chorus
Bridge?
Chorus

Mar 16, 2010, 03:21 AM

lots of possibilities here
I would start this thread by asking:
What is this lyric about?
Who is leaving who
Who is blue/why/which one is saying good bye?

Like I said, there is something here but I want to read it and know the answers to my questions.
For sure it may be that I am just not getting it as it is and that others will get it right away.
Thanks for posting this
SB

Mar 16, 2010, 12:46 PM

Fast reply for so late Steven :) Anyways to get started…

This lyric is about the guy sort of looking in about himself, i.e. comparing himself to the sky and the ocean. The girl is just commenting on his eyes, but his comments back are more deep and meaningful.

The first verse he compares himself to the sky, as she did with his eyes. Like the sky, he says sometimes he feels really blue (mood wise). He also says that, like the sky, sometimes he wonders if people looking his direction are actually looking at him or just through him at something else (i.e. the sky would think people might be looking at it, or the stars behind it). Sort of like wondering if people that look at him care about him (or are interested) or are they just passing glances that don’t have any meaning?

The chorus is more about him saying how he wants her to stay with him, i.e. he says if she wants his sky blue eyes to stay “clear of storms” (a metaphor for him being happy when they’re clear, upset when they’re cloudy) then stay with me.

The second verse he talks about how he’s like the ocean, and how like it he feels his intentions and emotions are as “deep” as it is, but yet he can’t help but think that most people just see his surface ( know him on a shallow level / think of him as shallow ).

Haha so, sorry for the long response, and it may not make as much sense to you guys as it did to me when I wrote it, but let me know if you got this out of it or if it doesn’t really make sense :P I’m more than happy to take any feedback you have to offer! And Steve: let me know if that clarified your questions or not.

Mar 16, 2010, 06:21 PM

First verse is very present tense. Second verse is past tense.

She looks

present

I said

past

It might be better to be consistent, either

She looks
I say

OR

She looked
I said

If “Eyes” is to be the title then it should be in the chorus, I think, and in a big way, somehow summing up what the song’s about.

Mar 16, 2010, 10:19 PM

It helps but i think i am still confused about the point of view in each verse. It seems to change between the guy and the girl in a way i do not see coming
Thanks
SB

Mar 16, 2010, 10:23 PM

As far as verses: what I intended, but is probably not done well enough is this:

Girl talking first four lines
Guy (narrator) talking second four lines

But don’t worry about it too much, It’s not a big deal for the specifics…I just wrote it fast and was wondering what you guys thought about the general content, I wasn’t too worried about specifics like tenses (although thanks anyways gary)

Mar 20, 2010, 12:40 AM

I really adore your chorus
God bless,
Shari

Mar 25, 2010, 01:09 AM

I love the chorus too but also like the rest of the song. I like a mix and twists in a song- daring to be different so don’t mind that not eveything is spelled out and there is a mix in tenses…. all I suggest is a little more content in rest of song. :)

I get the sense of a song like Adored by Collective Soul for this one.

Mar 25, 2010, 09:12 AM

“She looks up at me
And says I love those eyes
When I see them (close)
They’re like two blue skies”

It makes more sense to say (open) especially if her eyes are blue, otherwise it’s a reference to makeup on her lid(s). You say she’s looking up at you, after all.

“I love those eyes
As she looks at me
When I look into them
They’re clear as the sea”

References to the eyes looking like the sea are way overused. Besides…the sea is seldom “clear,” except maybe right close to the beach in the Caribean or the Hawaiian Islands, and a scant few other places where I should be drinking a cold one right this very minute with my Curve!

Love the rest; brilliant writing for the most part.

JD

Mar 25, 2010, 12:25 PM

I like very much what you’ve got so far. And I overlooked the “close” (quite funny remark from JD), I read it as “from close” which would seem to fit meter-wise and probably is what you’ve meant to say anyway.

I said,
“Sometimes I feel like the sky
I can be so blue
Are they lookin at me
Or are they lookin through?”

=> beautiful.

As for the tenses I think the past would do (she looked ... and said) while the chorus may remain present tense. That would sort of imply a story of romance (looking each other in the eyes) that has passed or threatens to break. If you go from there you might easily come up with a bridge.

Bernd