CAN I SING WITH YOU IN HEAVEN (COLLABORATE WITH ME?)

Jul 30, 2010, 11:30 AM

Can I Sing With You In Heaven
(SORT OF A GARTH BROOKS VIBE)

You played your music on the stage
Your melodies echo in my brain
What have you written since you’ve gone
How will I find your latest song

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
You left a lonely lonely stage
Haven’t seen your face since age eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

On the night the light consumes me
Your songs will surely set me free
I’ll turn toward your harmony
And sing along if you’ll let me

I was only just a boy
Still playing with my toys

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
You left a lonely lonely stage
Haven’t seen your face since age eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

I was only just a boy
Still playing with my toys
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

© 2010 JD Stenzel All Rights Reserved

Jul 30, 2010, 01:00 PM

WOW really good write man that is a really beautiful song

Jul 30, 2010, 10:54 PM

Very good to see you here, and thank you for those kind words. I admire your singing and picking.

JD

Jul 31, 2010, 08:09 AM

Your songs are getting nicely structured… The part about being a boy sort of distracted me. See it still sounds like a boy is singing here. but somehow he seems too mature. Most kids think they are indestructible but for some reason this kid does not. Now… If he is a man it seems odd that he would want to sing in Heaven with some old country star he liked when he was eleven.

I think I would keep it as a kid and use some phrases that a kid might say. I think that would tug at the heart strings more. Right now I am on the fence as to if this is a man or boy..

You might even make the dead guy his Dad, imagine if he was wanting to sing with his Dad, who could even have been famous.. Makes me teary eyed just thinking about it…

Good stuff man .. IMO just a few strokes away

Jul 31, 2010, 09:52 AM

I wrote this as a way to say I’m grown now, and have an appreciation for the music I hadn’t really even understood back when I was a kid—in the early seventies (date should remain irrelavant to allow others to relate also). It also shouldn’t matter which artist specifically. I understand where you might be hung up, but I wrote this in frustration over the fact that I would love to jam or write or sing with the artist, but canb’t because the artist is dead, and I’m therefore anticipating the day I get to go to wherever it is songwriters and artists go and hang out with legends. If you want to re-work it to drive these ideas home in a better way, by all means offer a suggestion…I might like it.

JD

Jul 31, 2010, 10:34 AM

You played your music on the stage
Your melodies echo in my brain
What have you written since you’ve gone
How will I find your latest song

Since you can’t find his latest song… He is dead.. maybe

You played your music on the stage
Your melodies echo in my brain
What have you written since you’ve gone
It’s something I love to dream on

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
You left a lonely lonely stage
Haven’t seen your face since age eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

(by saying you left a lonely lonely stage it could be taken that the stage was lonely when he was there..)

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
The stage’s now lonely
Missing your voice
Since I was a boy of eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing
Can I sing with you in Heaven

(Just a thought)

On the night the light consumes me
Your songs will surely set me free
I’ll turn toward your harmony
And sing along if you’ll let me

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
The stage’s now lonely
Missing your voice
Since I was a boy of eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing
Can I sing with you in Heaven

I was only just a boy
Still playing with my toys
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

——————————————————-

My take on your song

You played your music on the stage
Your melodies echo in my brain
What have you written since you’ve gone
It’s something I love to dream on

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
The stage’s now lonely
Missing your voice
Since I was a boy of eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing
Can I sing with you in Heaven

On the night the light consumes me
Your songs will surely set me free
I’ll turn toward your harmony
And sing along if you’ll let me

Now you’ve gone and flown away
To sing your songs in Heaven
The stage’s now lonely
Missing your voice
Since I was a boy of eleven
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing
Can I sing with you in Heaven

I was only just a boy
Still playing with my toys
Whenever my day comes
Can I sing with you in Heaven

Aug 01, 2010, 05:52 PM

I think it comes across fine that the stage is lonely because the artist left; there’s no mention of an empty stage. The rewrite of that line isn’t worth the hit in smoothness. I don’t think that would sound very good. Missing your voice is just adding lines to further clarify in a redundant way, and the vibe keeps going downhill (in my opinion).

“Haven’t seen your face since age eleven”

That line might be sweetened…carefully…such as:

(“The last time You took the stage—I was eleven”) which sings well in the mood.

The tweaks needed will be minor like that; just subtle changes, more for singability than clarity. This is designed for a Bruce Springsteen or Bob Seger style, and is meant to be expressed very soulfully. I haven’t heard anyone else say it doesn’t come across right, or that it’s tough to understand.

Any opinions about that?

JD

Aug 01, 2010, 05:58 PM

I suppose I just try to look as deep as I can sometimes.. Probably over analyzing it as usual LOL.. IT does have a cool message and the feeling does come across.