Two Shots

 
       
 
Apr 30, 2012, 01:42 PM

I made some changes, Was reading through some of stuff here and saw that some of ya liked a little dark sided stuff, so I thought I’d make some changes and bring it back up.


Two Shots

I’m sittin’ here in the dark with a bottle of wine.
I left work early n’ headed for home
The surprise was mine when I found you not alone.
But guess who has the last laugh this time.


Now I’m sittin’ here with a bottle of Merlot
A lit cigarette in my left hand.
Blue steel in the other, contemplating if I can.
I can’t believe you’d do this, and in our own home.


Do I pull the trigger before the law arrives?
I hear sirens, I’m sure those two shots were heard
There’s no way I’m leavin here alive
There’s nothin you could a said, not one little word
By the time they get here I’ll be dead
These two ticket’s n’ the wine,
guess they were the punch line.


I can hear em’ getting closer, haven’t much time
sittin’ here with my finger on the trigger
I’m thinkin’ maybe a little stronger liquor.
You can’t imagine what’s goin through my mind


Half a bottle of JB ought a do the trick
Siren’s gettin louder, they’re gettin closer.
Liquor’s makin my finger feel a little looser.
what I walked in on just makes me sick


Do I pull the trigger before the law arrives?
The siren’s have stopped they’re in the drive
There’s nothin you could do, nothing you could a said.
Before they get through the door, I’ll be dead.
And today was gonna be a surprise
The ticket’s n’ wine?
just a punch line
Only two shots left, one in the bottle
And one for my head.
Only two shots left, one in the bottle
And one for my head.


Bill Kahney (WMFK)  4/30/2012   ©

[ Edited: 07 June 2013 12:40 PM by Bill Kahney]
 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Apr 30, 2012, 06:28 PM

Oh Wow ! Some good writing.  Your two shots definition was pretty dynamic.  I’ve given up suggesting people might want to tweak their lyrics because I really don’t know what music they have rolling around their heads.  So with that said, the emotions are pretty darn strong.

 
     
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Susie Whiting Joined Sep 12, 2006
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Apr 30, 2012, 07:04 PM

Hey Bill,

After that fantatsic write I am your biggest fan. You’ve got big time talent-I love it!!!!!

Tony

 
     
tony curatolo 2 Joined Aug 07, 2006
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May 01, 2012, 09:45 AM

Oh man! I don’t know what to say with comments like these! Thank you very very much! I love that you all like / love it!
Susie, Your right about the music rollin in my head when I write. But unforntunety I don’t know how to read or write music an so it goes as all the rest. It disappears. I still have an idea what it should sound like but thats about it. Maybe I should learn to write/read music and maybe the guitar. But I work 70 to 90 hours a week. makes it a bit difficult.

Thanks again for the wonderful comments!!!

Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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May 01, 2012, 12:57 PM

Bill you pulled me right in I was right there, very strong words very emotional great job. I only have one little problem with it, I wished I had written it. Like I said great great job.
God Bless
Elaine

 
     
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Elaine Brewer Joined Jun 05, 2009
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May 01, 2012, 01:36 PM

Thanks Elaine! I really didn’t expect so many great comments. it’s short and it only took a few minutes to write. I’m really amazed on how many people like it so much.

Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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May 03, 2012, 08:28 PM

Hello all. I’ve posted this lyric and two others in the lyrical challenge. If you haven’t gottren into it your self and you like what I’ve written please visit and give a vote. Thanks to all and good luck to all that have entered! Also feel free to look me up on FB. Btw This one is posted but not there yet in the library. I think you can only vote once so if this is the one please wait till is posts.

Thanks Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Oct 30, 2012, 08:17 AM

Hi bill
COMPELLING,EMOTIONAL and DIRECT with so many strong words that paint a picture.I enjoyed the read bill.
Thanks
Paul.

 
     
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paul brookes Joined Sep 24, 2012
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Nov 01, 2012, 11:11 AM

Thanks again! Here’s another one from the past. Glad you liked it. this on started as a writing project. start writing about what you are doing at the moment, which was sittin down with a glass of wine and a smoke. it just took off from there. I really didn’t think it would get the response that it did.

Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Nov 03, 2012, 12:17 AM

It’s a good story Bill, a great theme too. maybe a little too strong in content in some quarters for commercial appeal.
Perhaps in the last verse you could say something like ;

Only two shots left, one in the bottle
And one for my head.
Though I wont give her the satisfaction
  of me ending up dead
  I’m out of here, tomorrow I’ll burn that cheating bed
Best of luck with it
John

 
     
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John Vaughan Joined Sep 20, 2012
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Nov 03, 2012, 05:30 PM

Thanks John;
Think I’m gonna keep the way it is though, Unless someone really wants to do something with it, this was really just a writing project. I was surprised as hell it got the interest that it did.

Thanks again;
Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Nov 10, 2012, 06:39 AM

Hi Bill,

Good Write,but—

The last four lines are far too strong.  If you read the work of Harry Chapin for

example SNIPER you will see the subtle way he handles such a cruel act .

He shoots a local lady and says I Quote   “Reality Was Pouring From Her Face”

He keeps figurative language to a minimum.  The conversation is his metaphor for

the snipers one sided dialogue of violence with a world of strangers.  “Words” and

questions are the well aimed bullets reaching their targets.Powerfully Clear.


The pronouns are in place , personalizing the agony of indifference ,rejection, supplication.

“Please Hug me”  I said, , but she just sat there , with that same flat stare, that she saves

for me alone when I’m home .

It’s a masterpiece of writing, if you want to write about The Gorey side of life Chapin

is the guy who’s work needs studying.

 
     
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Lonnie Van Tweedle Joined Mar 07, 2012
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Nov 10, 2012, 10:21 AM

its about time, finally a new holiday song…you should have made em’ eat fruitcake at gun point…

 
     
dennis dawe Joined Apr 17, 2010
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Nov 12, 2012, 06:09 PM
Lonnie Van Tweedle - 10 November 2012 06:39 AM

Hi Bill,

Good Write,but—

The last four lines are far too strong.  If you read the work of Harry Chapin for

example SNIPER you will see the subtle way he handles such a cruel act .

He shoots a local lady and says I Quote   “Reality Was Pouring From Her Face”

He keeps figurative language to a minimum.  The conversation is his metaphor for

the snipers one sided dialogue of violence with a world of strangers.  “Words” and

questions are the well aimed bullets reaching their targets.Powerfully Clear.


The pronouns are in place , personalizing the agony of indifference ,rejection, supplication.

“Please Hug me”  I said, , but she just sat there , with that same flat stare, that she saves

for me alone when I’m home .

It’s a masterpiece of writing, if you want to write about The Gorey side of life Chapin

is the guy who’s work needs studying.

Lonnie,
I’m fairly familiar with Harry Chapin’s music. What song are you referring to? Is it called Sniper? I’ll look it up, that’s not one I know. He is (was) One of America’s greatest story tellers!!  I gather from your response here you like lyric. I know it’s a strong ending but It was intended to be just that. Same as Garth Brooks version of Thunder Roll’s. that version they never play on the radio in the last verse where she goes to get the gun from the night stand drawer. As far as I know it’s only on the live album. Btw have you had the chance to go over some of the stuff that I sent to you a while back?? What are your thought’s on those?? This may have been one of them, I don’t remember.  Thanks for the input!!
Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Nov 12, 2012, 06:10 PM
dennis dawe - 10 November 2012 10:21 AM

its about time, finally a new holiday song…you should have made em’ eat fruitcake at gun point…

Ha ha Holiday song! maybe we can work it in eith the tune of Jingle Bell’s

Thanks;
Bill

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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Jun 07, 2013, 12:42 PM

I made some changes and did a re post, any thoughts?

 
     
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Bill Kahney Joined May 27, 2009
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