New guy looking to contribute

 
       
 
May 25, 2017, 06:11 PM

Hi, folks. I’m a Tampa, FL based non-professional (euphemism for rank amateur) songwriter/singer/picker with the accent heavily before the first slash. Looking to participate in this forum in order to give and receive feedback on lyrics and song offerings and maybe learn some more about how other folks critique lyrics. As best as I can tell, I write for catharsis, for sheer joy, and out of a weird sense of something like duty to nurture a sometimes fickle creative spirit. But I guess my dream would be to have someone in the biz take enough of a shine to something I’ve written that they would want to record or perform it—not at all for any hopes by me of actually earning filthy lucre from something I love doing so much, but just to feel the satisfaction of being able to share my modest gifts and have them enjoyed by others. I recognize the huge amount of craftsmanship required for writing decent songs and so, in order to hone our chops, we aspiring songwriters certainly can benefit greatly from candid feedback from artists and from others on the same journey we are. Great that there are forums like this to help with that.

 
     
Jeffrey Walker Joined May 25, 2017
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May 25, 2017, 08:56 PM

Welcome Jeffrey. You will certainly find all of that here. The best part of this Forum (in my opinion) is the opportunity it gives folks to meet and collaborate with great people. Glad you’ve decided to hang out with us.  :)

Jen

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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May 25, 2017, 09:58 PM

Thanks, Jen. Here’s something I keep coming back to and re-tweaking. Love to hear any thoughts from the community:


Serenity

Tune to CGCGCD and capo up 2 frets

We made a vow to sober up at last
Finally got us in a halfway house,
Our love the only flame we didn’t douse
To stop burning up our lives so fast.

Working hard to be like normal folk
Simple cures for complicated pains
And desire all wired into our brains
For the fires that dope and liquor stoke

Everybody was supposed to share
Sorry stories of what we’d become
Seemed that talk began to dwindle some.
Lots of words left hanging in the air.

White lines, blue sky
As the planes go by
I knew one day
She’d slip away
Looking for a way to fly

Courage, wisdom, serenity
The prayer said to change the things we can
She said it helped her figure out a plan
Never sure if that included me

Friday night she caught a ride to town
Down that highway like a scalded dog.
Vapor trails and streaks of morning fog
Somehow say she won’t be back around.

So maybe it was never really love
Just a therapeutic interlude,
A remedy that always did include
Giving up the things we’re fondest of.

White lines, blue sky
As the planes go by
I knew one day
She’d slip away
Looking for a way to fly

In a house dry as dead pine straw
But I’m something like a lightard knot
Let this fire burn everything I’ve got
Til the whiskey lets a cold heart thaw

© October 2001
Jeffrey Walker

 
     
Jeffrey Walker Joined May 25, 2017
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May 26, 2017, 12:46 AM

Welcome Jeffrey. You will probably get more feedback on lyrics if you post them in the “Lyrics Library” section.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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May 26, 2017, 06:01 AM

Hello Jeffrey. I agree with Gavin. You should repost these worthy lyrics in the lyrics library. Not everyone frequents the “introductions” page so there are lots of folks missing out. What a tragic tale you tell in this song. The first thing I noticed with your song was the very interesting tuning. I am intrigued. Will you play it for us? I’d love to hear it.

I think we all have those songs that we keep on returning to. If this is a song you’d like to continue to “tweak,” I’d suggest exploring some near rhymes. While you won’t find any useful near rhymes for the likes of “house” and “douse,” you could find some good ones for the likes of “fog” and “dog.” I mention these two because it seems to me that the “scalded dog” line is a rhyme of convenience rather than the best line for the lyric. Rhymes aren’t necessary in a song; only rhythm is. There are lots of very useful websites, like Rhyme Zone, that will help you find alternatives.

I hope you decide to post this lyric in the lyrics pages.  :)

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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May 26, 2017, 08:29 AM

Hello Jeffery,

Welcome here. Some very good people and as usual, giving some good advice. If you want results on lyrics, you should put them in the lyric section where people read for that purpose. This is a very good forum and is marked for the different parts writers are looking for. Just read down there and you will find where works best for you.

The thing I would strongly suggest to you is GET INVOLVED. Read OTHER people’s lyrics and comment. Pay particular attention to the “BUSINESS” and “SONGWRITER” forums and comment and contribute. Put some effort into getting to know people personally and even Private message them to increase your understanding.

The single biggest thing all songwriter related sites suffer from is much of what the culture itself suffers from. A “ME ME ME ME ME” mentality that people seem to only care about themselves, what they think, say, write. It is uniquely felt in songwriting and entertainment because it deals with people’s passions. They join forums like these and put all their things up. The problem is that after a little bit and they don’t get as much feedback as they like, they either move on, or become disappointed with the results.
So by GETTING INVOLVED and being a contributor, you will find more information about not only others, but about yourself. You will hear people with the same particulars that you have. Same things you are experiencing. It helps you not feel so alone.

I would also strongly suggest you get around people in your own area. There are many songwriter related groups in the TAMPA South Florida area, and a Google search will usually direct you.

Have a good time and please comment around. Good to have you.

MAB

 
     
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Marc-Alan Barnette Joined Jul 29, 2010
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May 26, 2017, 09:15 AM

Thanks, folks, for the advice. I did post this in the lyrics section as y’all suggested. And I am offering my two cents worth on some other folks’ submissions.

Jenny—I do have a rough demo of it as an MP3 file, but I’m not sure of the best way to share it to this community. What do you recommend? Oh, and thanks for the “scalded dog” input, although that was the line that came to me first and the line with “fog” was bolted on after that was in place. It’s one of those goofball metaphors some of us redneck southerners use to exaggerate somebody’s apparent urgency, but maybe it’s too colloquial to seem natural. I’ll give that some thought.

 
     
Jeffrey Walker Joined May 25, 2017
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May 26, 2017, 09:55 AM

Jeffrey, one idea is to open a SoundCloud account (it’s free) and post your mp3s there for comment. You can make a track private so that only those with whom you share a coded link can see it.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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May 26, 2017, 09:24 PM

Welcome, Jeffrey, to the campus of Songwriter101.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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