New song - Pace. First post so criticism and feedback really appreciated!

 
       
 
Jun 01, 2017, 02:36 PM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNzTDdlPmoY

Let me know what you guys think! Pretty new to songwriting, but I see a long, interesting road ahead. Here are the lyrics below:


hold on to the clouds they’re falling down
i’ve got what you need on this couch
and if you wait till it’s over
you might wonder all your life


i won’t do what time has told us
breaking each brick
and i’ve got friends that keep getting older
covered in bruises

things are moving fast, without a sound
i’ve dug many holes for a crown
and if i wait till it’s over
i might ask myself too late


i won’t do what time has told us
breaking each brick
and i’ve got friends that keep getting older
covered in bruises


hold up hold up we’re not alone
we wait every second for a home
we’ll make it someday
take every second like a stone
skip it enough and you’ll be gone
at your own pace


i won’t do what time has told us
breaking each brick
and i’ve got friends that keep getting older
covered in bruises


- Shreyas

 
     
Shreyas J Joined Jun 01, 2017
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 01, 2017, 05:12 PM

I have no technical knowledge. I just go off of what I hear and like, and I really like your song. I think you have a lot of potential and a lot of creativity.

 
     
Avatar
Kimberly Cudjoe Joined Jun 30, 2015
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 01, 2017, 06:23 PM

Wow, thanks, that means a lot!

 
     
Shreyas J Joined Jun 01, 2017
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 02, 2017, 10:09 AM

Hey J,

Hard for me to give good critique of stuff that’s outside my personal tastes. So, I’ll just let it rip and please take this as nothing more than my opinion.

The song starts off with a nice line, hold onto the clouds. It felt like that was going to be the theme, the story and then it never comes back to it. In the end, the theme I get is you’ve got friends getting older and covered with bruises. The couch part, the digging holes for a crown, the suggest of missing out on life, it just loses me. I really don’t know what story you’re telling me. I can’t say, in a couple words, what the song is about. The bruised friends, presumably, are out there living their lives, you’re on a couch with all you need or lamenting? I don’t follow. So, story wise, that’s critique one; no idea what the song is about, what the story is.

Second, as a guitar player, it’s monotonous and repetitious. Repetitive isn’t automatically bad. Dull and repetitive is.

Again, please take this only as my opinion. I do NOT mean to be discouraging. I think you’ve got something going on but maybe need to be a little more self critical before you go asking people to give a serious listen?

What story am I telling?
Would I wanna listen to the music if there lyrics weren’t pulling me in?

Consider me a pot hole in the long interesting road! LOL   Keep at it brother. You got something to work with.

 
     
Larry Gude Joined May 23, 2017
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 02, 2017, 10:38 PM

I wouldn’t be too discouraged by Larry’s comments. I think that there is a good song under there. Like Larry, I didn’t follow it all the way, but there are some intriguing lines. The melody has a contemporary feel to it too. It is worth some more work in my opinion.

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 03, 2017, 08:26 AM
Gavin Sinclair - 02 June 2017 10:38 PM

I wouldn’t be too discouraged by Larry’s comments. I think that there is a good song under there. Like Larry, I didn’t follow it all the way, but there are some intriguing lines. The melody has a contemporary feel to it too. It is worth some more work in my opinion.

Absolutely! Keep going! My apologies if I came off too negative!

I struggle in offering critiques that don’t ride the line or maybe cross it into coming off more negative than intended. But, that’s what critique is for, yeah? I never learned a thing from anyone who just offered a platitude or a pat on the back when I needed someone to, more or less, say, “Ok, not so good and here is my opinion…and this is good and here is my opinion…”

 
     
Larry Gude Joined May 23, 2017
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 03, 2017, 09:02 AM

I find the Lyric incoherent. Obscurity can work in poetry, where the ‘reader’ has eyes on words on a page. He can go back and re-read to clarify his comprehension and perceive coherence in what at first seemed inchoherent. But most music is ‘consumed’ without eyes on words on a written page, but by listening. They can ‘listen harder’ to ‘receive’ what the singer is ‘sending’, but most, I think, will not. You either ‘deliver’ the words and ideas to them or they simply drift off to other thoughts and notice when the Song ends.

You don’t seem to have THE Hook, that summary line that sums up what the Song is about. I don’t get that idea driven home to me so that if I don’t get anything else I do get that idea.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
Avatar
Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Jun 03, 2017, 03:34 PM
Larry Gude - 03 June 2017 08:26 AM
Gavin Sinclair - 02 June 2017 10:38 PM

I wouldn’t be too discouraged by Larry’s comments. I think that there is a good song under there. Like Larry, I didn’t follow it all the way, but there are some intriguing lines. The melody has a contemporary feel to it too. It is worth some more work in my opinion.

Absolutely! Keep going! My apologies if I came off too negative!

I struggle in offering critiques that don’t ride the line or maybe cross it into coming off more negative than intended. But, that’s what critique is for, yeah? I never learned a thing from anyone who just offered a platitude or a pat on the back when I needed someone to, more or less, say, “Ok, not so good and here is my opinion…and this is good and here is my opinion…”

Larry, I think your criticisms and suggestions were good and not negative at all. I just know how some folks can get discouraged when really they shouldn’t. Personally, I am grateful when someone actually takes the times to make suggestions for improvement.

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Oct 25, 2017, 08:20 PM

The same than Larry Gude. I think it is a very important advice that can help you to be what you want to be.
I liked the “promise” of your song!

I did not know that to live we had to die so many times
My Youtube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCAaK7mFK7fUpf1E99I1Qtow

 
     
Avatar
Mora Amaro Joined Oct 19, 2017
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Oct 25, 2017, 08:52 PM

Just a lyric critique…... I may be way off…...

What I get from this is that we are all tasked with tearing down walls all our lives. But what makes
the task so arduous is that we focus on tearing down each others walls instead of tearing down
our own…....

I happen to enjoy lyric puzzles, they exercise the imagination! But as above, if the lyrics are too
vague then the music and melody must keep your interest. Keep hammering at this one, beat it
till it sings! :)

 
     
Avatar
JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM