Small Craft Warning

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Jun 10, 2017, 03:44 PM

It’s my latest—-no music yet, and subject to change. Comments/critiques would be welcome and appreciated (I envision the tune to be a bossa):
 

      SMALL CRAFT WARNING   Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

A1
Once love was smooth sailing—-guided by
Light of a peaceful morning—-now it’s
Dark, clouds have gathered—-will it
Soon start hailing?
Small craft warning
 
A2
Is love now
Drifting towards a frightful sky and sea? Will a
Day of danger soon be dawning? Will
Wretched winds blow so
Hard on you and me?
Small craft warning

B
Our love was serenity
Docked at a blissful bay—-then temp-
Tation climbed on deck, so we cheated, (just a peck), and now
Faith and happiness have sailed away


C I can see the lighthouse keeper, a man who
Mostly just sits there yawning, but he’s
Waving his hand, shouting:
‘Best turn back toward land, away from the
Storm’—-from
Danger, will we flee? Or be forever lost at
Sea, ignoring his plea——and the
Small craft warning?

[ Edited: 12 June 2017 07:09 PM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 10, 2017, 08:18 PM

Do other people agree there are perhaps too many rhymes in the last stanza? Or does it work b/c it’s the climax—-and time to ‘pull out all the stops’?

I also think I could say ‘turn back, it’s safe on land’ better and simpler (less syllables to unnecessarily impede the rhythmic flow).

Thoughts?

[ Edited: 10 June 2017 08:21 PM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 11, 2017, 03:25 PM

Made some changes, cut some rhyme fat. A moderator on another forum thought the B section ‘heavy handed’. Does that mean ‘Obvious’? Overbaked?

Feedback, sil vous plais. This one could be a keeper w/a little rewriting…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 12, 2017, 06:55 AM

Final cut:

 

      SMALL CRAFT WARNING   Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

A1
Once love was smooth sailing—-guided by
Light of a peaceful morning—-now it’s
Dark, clouds have gathered—-will it
Soon start hailing?
Small craft warning
 
A2
Is love now
Drifting towards a frightful sky and sea? Will a
Day of danger soon be dawning, with
Wretched winds blowing
Hard on you and me?
Small craft warning

B
Our love was a sloop of serenity
Docked at a blissful bay—-then temp-
Tation climbed on deck, so we cheated, (just a peck), and now
Peace and happiness have sailed away


C There’s a captain on a ship out yonder, heading a-
way from the brewing storm, looking at
Us, waving his hand, shouting: ‘there’s
Trouble, head back to land!’—-will we flee? Or be
Forever lost at sea, ignore his plea——and the
Small craft warning?

[ Edited: 12 June 2017 06:38 PM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 12, 2017, 07:11 PM

The 1st version is final, not the last. I edited the ‘sloop’ out—-not wanting to overplay the ‘seafaring’ metaphor (a suggestion of the administrator on another forum)...

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 16, 2017, 11:33 PM

And I have a melody! An old fashioned exotic beguine or rhumba—-sort of slow and sexy. In Bb, with the bridge going to IV minor, and a few extended bars at the end for a build-up.

I had to shave a few unneeded words off to fit my rhythm and simplify. Here’s the FINAL cut (I’ll post a lead sheet after I mess with MusicScore a little):


      SMALL CRAFT WARNING   Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

A1
Once love was smooth sailing—-guided by
Light of a peaceful morning—-now it’s
Dark, clouds have gathered—-will it
Soon start hailing?
Small craft warning
 
A2
Is love now  
Drifting towards a frightful sky and sea? Will a
Day of danger soon be dawning, wretched
Winds blowing hard on you and me?
Small craft warning

B
Our love was serenity
Docked at a blissful bay—-then temp-
Tation climbed on deck, so we cheated, (just a peck), and now
Peace and happiness have sailed away

 

C
There’s a captain on a ship out yonder, heading a-
way from the gathering storm, waving his
Hand, shouting: ‘head back to
Land!’—- will we
Flee, or be for-
Ever lost at sea, ignore his
Plea——and the
Small craft warning?

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 16, 2017, 11:39 PM

I double-posted, and don’t know how to delete here…

[ Edited: 16 June 2017 11:42 PM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 17, 2017, 01:08 AM

Hello Joel. I really like A1, the way it leads up to the hook, “small craft warning,” very clever. My feeling is that C could use a rethink. This captain seems to come out of nowhere. I’m left wondering, who is this captain and why is he intruding? I find him distracting.

Perhaps a redirect so that rather than it being the captain who gives the warning, it’s the sailors gut telling him to turn back.

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 17, 2017, 04:52 AM
Jenny Stokes - 17 June 2017 01:08 AM

Hello Joel. I really like A1, the way it leads up to the hook, “small craft warning,” very clever. My feeling is that C could use a rethink. This captain seems to come out of nowhere. I’m left wondering, who is this captain and why is he intruding? I find him distracting.

Perhaps a redirect so that rather than it being the captain who gives the warning, it’s the sailors gut telling him to turn back.

Maybe.

I guess the idea was to have even a 3rd party warn these 2 that there’s gonna be ‘trouble ahead’, so you know they’d be fools not to look at what’s happened to their love and stop doing what they’ve been doing.

This is the 2nd comment I’ve gotten where someone doesn’t ‘buy’ the character (originally a lighthouse keeper) suddenly appearing in stanza 3 (C). Guess I’ll think it through more and run it by singers I respect in the biz.

What would you rather see happen at the end?

[ Edited: 17 June 2017 05:02 AM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 17, 2017, 04:56 AM

Maybe some sort of metaphor for a captain or some other seafarer within the singer so you can see that HE’S the one having doubts?

I’ll try that as rewrite…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 17, 2017, 05:20 AM

How about something like:

Will we keep drifting out yonder, heading
Towards the gathering storm? Can we
Still head back for shore and ser-
Enity,? Will we flee? Or will love stay
Lost at sea if we ignore the
Small—-craft——warning? (—-indicates longer measures for emphasis)

That solves your captain issue, and creates a nice inner rhyme (shore/ignore) but I still have concerns that the whole ‘out to sea’ metaphor is stretched too far, past credulity. (Is that a word? Guess it is NOW).

What do other people think?

[ Edited: 17 June 2017 05:56 AM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
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Jun 17, 2017, 05:49 AM

I inserted the alternate ending on my lyric sheet—-and DO like it better. Gonna keep it, thanks…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 17, 2017, 05:58 AM

So now FINAL cut:

SMALL CRAFT WARNING   Joel Fass © 2017 Exemplar (ASCAP)

A1
Once love was smooth sailing—-guided by
Light of a peaceful morning—-now it’s
Dark, clouds have gathered—-will it
Soon start hailing?
Small craft warning
 
A2
Is love now  
Drifting towards a frightful sky and sea? Will a
Day of danger soon be dawning, wretched
Winds blowing hard on you and me?
Small craft warning

B
Our love was serenity
Docked at a blissful bay—-then temp-
Tation climbed on deck, so we cheated, (just a peck), and now
Peace and happiness have sailed away


C
Will we keep drifting out yonder, heading
Right for the gathering storm? Can we
Still head back for shore and serenity? Will we
Flee? Or will love stay lost at sea if we ignore—-the
Small——craft—-warning? (2nd x:) Dawning…
Fine’

[ Edited: 17 June 2017 08:22 AM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jun 18, 2017, 12:20 AM

Yup. I think that works better, Joel. No mystery man there to interrupt proceedings.  :)

When you’re figuring the melody, take a bit of time working out the line, “Still head back for shore and serenity?” Singing “shore and serenity” could potentially end up a ssslithering mess if you push the time on that line. If you give the line some time to come out though, it should be fine.

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 18, 2017, 01:24 AM
joel fass - 12 June 2017 07:11 PM

The 1st version is final, not the last. I edited the ‘sloop’ out—-not wanting to overplay the ‘seafaring’ metaphor (a suggestion of the administrator on another forum)...

i disagree with the other administrator, i think the analogy needs more definition.
why is love a small craft? and how does that define the sea? the horizon is
always a sailors greatest temptation…..

[ Edited: 18 June 2017 01:26 AM by JAPOV]
 
     
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Jun 18, 2017, 06:42 AM
Jenny Stokes - 18 June 2017 12:20 AM

Yup. I think that works better, Joel. No mystery man there to interrupt proceedings.  :)

When you’re figuring the melody, take a bit of time working out the line, “Still head back for shore and serenity?” Singing “shore and serenity” could potentially end up a ssslithering mess if you push the time on that line. If you give the line some time to come out though, it should be fine.

Thanks. It’s a slow rhumba, and should be fine…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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