Beautiful Losers (A song about society’s outcasts who are the real winners)...

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Jul 01, 2017, 10:37 PM
Jenny Stokes - 28 June 2017 08:03 AM

Hi Joel. So sorry to hear about your friend. You’ve written a beautiful lyric inspired by him. It’s definitely a “thinking man’s” piece though. I just wonder if you might simplify it some so that the main ideas are there for all to see without much effort. In particular, I found following the changing pronouns was quite a challenge (who is he referring to now?). Yes, it might be that it’s midnight and I’ve had a long day so bed is not far off for me, but really, I think a song shouldn’t be hard work. Symbolism is great, complex word pictures also a treat, but confusing pronouns are not such a hit. It’s such a great theme for a song. You should have no trouble finding folks who relate to the subject. I remember a couple years ago when Alicia Cara released “Here” which is a song about outcasts. It was such a different angle for a song to take and it resonated with so many people that it became a massive hit. Nice one.  :)

Not sure what you mean by ‘confusing’ or ‘changing’ pronouns? Elucidate, please, and I’ll look into it.

Thank you. Yes, this subject was on my mind for years, and now I finally have a song. Guess Eddie’s death pushed me to the precipice. I knew some real jazzers, who played at a near or actual genius level. They were my big brothers and teachers, but their, um, ‘recreational habits’ are primarily why they’re outta here. But it was the brutal, cruel world (as they viewed it—-me, too, obviously) that made them feel they couldn’t function w/o a ‘buffer zone’. So I told myself and others I always seem to be attracted to the ‘beautiful losers’...

[ Edited: 01 July 2017 10:46 PM by joel fass]

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jul 03, 2017, 04:12 AM

Hi Joel. I can say with confidence that you are the first person who has ever asked me to “elucidate” something. What a word! Made me smile.

I was referring to B1 and A3.

For instance, in B1…

Beautiful losers: misunderstood by
Those all around you
Beautiful losers: so jealous are they, as their souls
Decay, they continue to hound you

If you follow grammar rules, the pronoun should refer clearly to your intended subject. The way you’ve written the above, “so jealous are they” refers to “beautiful losers” which I don’t think is the meaning you were after.

Hope that clarifies.
Jen

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jul 03, 2017, 09:29 AM
Jenny Stokes - 03 July 2017 04:12 AM

Hi Joel. I can say with confidence that you are the first person who has ever asked me to “elucidate” something. What a word! Made me smile.

I was referring to B1 and A3.

For instance, in B1…

Beautiful losers: misunderstood by
Those all around you
Beautiful losers: so jealous are they, as their souls
Decay, they continue to hound you

If you follow grammar rules, the pronoun should refer clearly to your intended subject. The way you’ve written the above, “so jealous are they” refers to “beautiful losers” which I don’t think is the meaning you were after.

Hope that clarifies.
Jen

OK, thanks——but it’s pretty clear to me anyway…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jul 03, 2017, 02:49 PM

Of course it is. You’re the writer.  :)

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jul 04, 2017, 01:22 AM
Jenny Stokes - 03 July 2017 02:49 PM

Of course it is. You’re the writer.  :)

‘True dat’. We have to live or die—-or anyway stand by—-our decisions in music (and life).

(:...

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Jul 17, 2017, 05:05 PM

H-ere’s a link to a site where the sheet music was uploaded (can’t seem to do it here). Please note one mistake: The A natural in the 2nd measure of letter B (on the word: ‘Eve-RY one…’ should be an Ab. Sorry…

http://www.thesongwritersforum.com/forum/view_topic.php?id=13587&forum_id=16

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Aug 23, 2017, 04:59 PM

Can I upload a file here? I now have a lead sheet.

Also, one minor change, near the end: ‘...To HIDE their jealousy’. Sings better…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Aug 23, 2017, 05:21 PM

Joel,

You can’t open your PDF at that site unless you are a member. That might be why you have no responses. That and the possibility that not many folks here can envisage a song from a lead sheet. They would have to go to a piano or other instrument and pick out the melody. It’s hard enough to get feedback when you link to a sound file.

If you like, send me the PDF and I’ll put it up on my website as a private post that only people with a password can access, and post the link and password here. PM me if you want me to do that and I’ll send you my email address.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Aug 23, 2017, 05:30 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 23 August 2017 05:21 PM

Joel,

You can’t open your PDF at that site unless you are a member. That might be why you have no responses. That and the possibility that not many folks here can envisage a song from a lead sheet. They would have to go to a piano or other instrument and pick out the melody. It’s hard enough to get feedback when you link to a sound file.

If you like, send me the PDF and I’ll put it up on my website as a private post that only people with a password can access, and post the link and password here. PM me if you want me to do that and I’ll send you my email address.

PM sent. Thanks…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Aug 24, 2017, 08:31 PM

I posted Joel’s lead sheet here: http://mysteriousbeings.com/beautiful-losers-lead-sheet/

It’s password protected. Just enter sw101joel to enter and click on the link to the PDF file.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Aug 25, 2017, 04:55 PM

Thank you, Gavin…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Aug 26, 2017, 01:09 PM

BTW, I changed one line FWIW: ‘to cover their jealousy’ to ‘to hide their jealousy’. Sings better, and is smoother rhythmically…

‘Charlie Christian got me in a world of trouble’—-me

 
     
joel fass Joined Jun 03, 2017
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Aug 28, 2017, 11:15 PM

It reads like a RAP to me as well

 
     
steven bines Joined Nov 01, 2007
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