i hope you feel guilty

 
       
 
Aug 31, 2017, 12:14 PM

so ive been writing a song and i am working on getting someone to help get the music part
here are the lyrics
anxiety
Inside of me
Swirling
Boiling
Hurting
Annoying
You told me you were trying to protect me
But instead you hurt me
You told me you did it cause you cared
But you cared too much

And now i’m broken again
I can’t even function
I don’t know how to talk to people
Its frustrating
It’s like i can’t even speak without being afraid
Afraid of disappointing you
You lied to me
you smothered me
And You held too tight
now i can not breath
I hope you feel guilty
Because i don’t

I love you but i have to breath
I have to move
I can not stay
And i know you don’t want to
But you have to let me go
i’m your little girl
i need to spread my wings
But You broke me
You made it impossible
You created this mess
Now i have to clean it up for you

And now i’m broken again
I can’t even function
I don’t know how to talk to people
Its frustrating
It’s like i can’t even speak without being afraid
Afraid of disappointing you
You lied to me
you smothered me
And You held too tight
now i can not breath
I hope you feel guilty
Because i don’t

I’m rebuilding my life
Growing into an adult
I want to be free
But i can not breath
I have to yell
For you to hear me
For you to accept me
But it hurts you
To see me go
It hurts me
To yell at you
Because you’re my mom
You created me
But you didn’t let go…

And now i’m broken
I can’t even function
I don’t know how to talk to people
Its frustrating
It’s like i can’t even speak to you without being afraid
Afraid of disappointing you
You lied to me
you smothered me
And You held too tight
now i can not breath
I hope you feel guilty
Because i don’t
. I hope you feel guilty
. I hope you feel guilty
. Because i don’t

still a work in progress.

 
     
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ariandris darkenlor Joined Aug 28, 2017
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Aug 31, 2017, 02:55 PM

Hello Ariandris.

I sense that this is a deeply personal song. I hope it helped you to write it.

For a general audience, unfamiliar with whatever happened, I think there’s too much bitterness and self-pity in the lyric. It makes the singer come across as someone we don’t want to listen to, especially as there are no specifics about what happened to make you feel this way. It’s like you are saying, “Mom, you’re a terrible person” over and over without really saying why. The listener needs something he/she can see and understand, to relate to, some details or incidents.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 01, 2017, 01:32 PM

i am still learning to write lyrics.
can you tell me where i need to improve?

Gavin Sinclair - 31 August 2017 02:55 PM

Hello Ariandris.

I sense that this is a deeply personal song. I hope it helped you to write it.

For a general audience, unfamiliar with whatever happened, I think there’s too much bitterness and self-pity in the lyric. It makes the singer come across as someone we don’t want to listen to, especially as there are no specifics about what happened to make you feel this way. It’s like you are saying, “Mom, you’re a terrible person” over and over without really saying why. The listener needs something he/she can see and understand, to relate to, some details or incidents.

 
     
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ariandris darkenlor Joined Aug 28, 2017
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Sep 01, 2017, 02:29 PM

I’m no expert, Ariandris, and what works for me won’t work for everyone. Come to that, I don’t even know if it works for me :) Other folks will have to judge that.

There a re a couple of things I would say. Some of these are tips you will also find from others here, who are a lot more accomplished than me.

1. Write from your heart. You have this already. It’s perfectly possible to write a slick lyric about something that has no meaning to you, but you are more likely to write something memorable if it stirs something in you while you are writing it.

2. Number 1 doesn’t mean be self-indulgent. Take the listeners into your confidence. Don’t be obscure for the sake of it. That’s not necessarily being artistic - it’s just being obscure.

3. Following on from number 2, allow the listener to relate to what you are describing. Make them feel the song could be about them. People don’t want to hear about your heartbreak unless they can relate it to their own experience and empathize with you.

4. Very important - paint pictures. See your song like a movie. It can be obvious - describing things - or more subtle. Adele’s “Hello” doesn’t include much in the way of obvious description, but it’s clear that she is speaking into a phone, and that’s what we picture in our mind. There should be a movie playing in the listener’s head. Ask yourself, “Can I see this song?”

5. Don’t underestimate the effect of sound in your lyrics. There is more to words than their meaning. Some words or, especially, combinations of words are just fun to say, sing or hear. Alliteration, internal rhyme within a line. These add to the experience.

Maybe someone else can chip in with more suggestions?

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 01, 2017, 03:20 PM

The difference between poetry and a Lyric is a Lyric is to be joined in Prosody with a Melody. If you can sing this it qualifies as a Lyric. The Lyrical content however, teenage angst, and vindictive direct address by the Singer-Character to the Mother-Character is a harsh reality many people would rather not share. We all had our own experience.

These one-word opening lines, structured like poetry, do not repeat. I think they are an Introductory Movement, a component of structure to ‘hook’ listener interest. An Introductory Movement need only do enough to Serve The Function of delivering that ‘hook factor’, be it vocal, Lyrical, or instrumental. These words would take 10 to 12 seconds. If there has not already been some instrumental Introductory Movement, that’s about right to set up for the Verse.

I use punctuation, commas to suggest the musical rests, periods to indicate full stops, question marks, exclamation points for more dramatic lines.

(Introductory Movement?)
Anxiety,
Inside of me,
Swirling,
Boiling,
Hurting,
Annoying!
You told me you were trying to protect me,
But instead you hurt me! (Do you need the word ‘But’? It is a connector word writers use to connect thoughts. Listeners/readers get that connection without that word. It’s a judgment call on the part of the writer whether they need it.)
You told me you did it ‘cause you cared, (Apostrophe indicates omission of ‘be’ from ‘because’, to distinguish from the word ‘cause’, which has a different meaning.)
But you cared too much! (Another ‘But’. Do you need them both? Do you need one and not the other?)

I only see a Near-Rhyme in ‘Boiling’ and ‘Annoying’. Rhyme is a device to make a Lyric memorable. Nursery Rhymes Rhyme to help a child memorize the storyline or theme. It is effective in Song, enabling people to ‘learn’ the Song, to sing along next time, and be ‘hooked’. Lack of Rhyme makes it hard to follow, allowing listeners to ‘un-hook’, to drift off to their own thoughts and notice when the Song ends that they have not been listening.

(The Stanza below repeats. I think it is the Chorus Movement. The Chorus is where the storyline set up in preceding Movements, Intro, Verse, gets to the point, the gist of the Singer-Character’s story or complaint. The Chorus is the place for THE Hook, that main, summary idea. You chose “I Hope You Feel Guilty” and positioned it in the strategic point at the end of the Chorus. It is the last thing left ringing in the ears of the listener. Again, lack of Rhyme, and a series of very negative ideas, ‘broken, can’t, don’t, frustrating, can’t, afraid, disappointing, lied, smothered, too, can not breathe, the title line, and ‘I don’t’. Listeners may tune out, move away from negative toward something, anything else positive.)
(Chorus)
And now I’m broken again! (‘And’ is another connector word. When it opens the line singers often do not enunciate the ‘A’ sound, leaving the ‘nd’ sound to slur into the next word. This can obscure what the words are, again, allowing listeners to ‘un-hook’.
I can’t even function!
I don’t know how to talk to people!
Its frustrating!
It’s like I can’t even speak without being afraid,
Afraid of disappointing you!
You lied to me!
You smothered me
And You held too tight! (Do you need ‘And’? Could the line stand alone, not as a phrase in the sentence begun in the line before?)
Now I can not breathe! (Breath is one thing; breathe is another. When a reader has to interrupt their ‘consumption’ of your Poetry or Lyric to figure out what you meant to say, instead of what you did say, it is just that; an interruption. You want them to ‘get it’, reading and listening, the first time.)
I Hope You Feel Guilty,
Because I don’t!

(This next Stanza is a Verse. Since it doesn’t match the number of syllables of the Introductory Movement it will have a different number of notes, and therefore, a different Melody. The listener is now hearing a third Melody, and may get lost there. A Song must have enough change to keep it interesting, and enough repetition to supply the function of structure).

(Verse 1)
I love you but I have to breathe! (A little positivity here. There is a philosophy that once you’ve said something, don’t say it again. Use that space instead to say something new. The ‘breathe’ idea, and ‘smothered’ have been used.)
I have to move!
I can not stay,
And I know you don’t want to, (And, But)
But you have to let me go!
I’m your little girl.
I need to spread my wings
But You broke me!
You made it impossible!
You created this mess!
Now I have to clean it up for you! (Still no Rhyme.)

(Repeat Chorus)
And now I’m broken again! (Now I’m broken again!)
I can’t even function!
I don’t know how to talk to people!
Its frustrating!
It’s like i can’t even speak without being afraid,
Afraid of disappointing you!
You lied to me!
You smothered me,
And You held too tight!
Now I can not breathe!
I Hope You Feel Guilty,
Because I don’t!

(Verse 2)
I’m rebuilding my life, (Verse 1 says, “I love you but I have to breathe!” That’s 8 syllables/notes. “I’m rebuilding my life.” is six, so the Melody is different. It can work. But the numbers continue to not equal as you go on. Those Melodic differences may get to be too much change, not enough repetition, not enough structure the listener can relate to.)
Growing into an adult.
I want to be free,
But i can not breathe! (But)
I have to yell,
For you to hear me,
For you to accept me,
But it hurts you. (But)
To see me go
It hurts me
To yell at you
Because you’re my mom
You created me
But you didn’t let go…
(The above Stanza has fourteen lines. Verse 1 had eleven. This dictates more Melodic difference, more potential for losing the listener due to lack of relatable structure.)

(Repeat Chorus)

(The final Musical Movement is called the Coda)
. I hope you feel guilty
. I hope you feel guilty
. Because i don’t

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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