Where Do Lonely People Go

 
       
 
Sep 01, 2017, 12:35 AM

I though I would post some Lyrics to a song I wrote in 2008. I was aiming for a impact on the last verse. I entered the song ( I have music for it also) in a contest. This is the 1st copywrited song I registered. I would appreciate feedback on the Lyrics and any improvement advise on its structure.For some reason My mind always heard Tim Magraw singing this song…

Thanks
BC

 


                              WHERE DO LONELY PEOPLE GO
(intro)
Where do lonely people go, when their living on broken dreams
Where do Lonely people go, when the worlds not what it seems
(Verse 1)
Sitting at the house, wasting the day,
Waiting for the phone to ring
Staring at the shadows made from my guitar,
Wondering if your thinking of me

I know it’s not love that left me lonely and somethings going to have to change
Where do lonely people go just to get away.
(Verse 2)
I think I’ll take a trip down to New Orleans,
I’m going to find me a woman with a heart full of dreams.
Some brown eyed lady with a pretty smile
We can drink a hurricane and maybe dance for a while

I know it’s not love that left me lonely and things are going to have to change
Where do lonely people go, just to get away
(Verse 3)
Driving down the highway for most of the night
I haven’t seen a single car there’s not a soul in sight
I’m smoking my last cigarette and down to 10 bucks
My gauge is showing empty and I’m pushing my luck

I know it’s not love that left me lonely and somethings going to have to change
Where do lonely people go, just to get away

(Verse 4)
Right before it happened I opened my eyes
I slammed on the break and then I realized
The cross on the mirror was taking me home,
then I realized I was never alone.

I know it’s not love that left me lonely
And somethings going to have to change
Where do lonely people go just to get away.

[ Edited: 01 September 2017 12:37 AM by BCCaster]

” I’m just a guy with a Guitar”
      BC Caster

 
     
BCCaster Joined Aug 29, 2017
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Sep 01, 2017, 04:43 PM

I like this. It’s got all the country ingredients - broken heart, guitar, booze, a woman, the open road, night and - just at the end - God!

How do you feel about changing the title and hook to “Where do the lonely go?” That would make the first line “Where do the lonely go, when they’re living on broken dreams?” It seems more atmospheric, allowing for a long drawn-out o sound in lonely, echoed immediately by the o in go?


A couple of really picky things to do with spelling and punctuation -

“Where do lonely people go, when their living on broken dreams ” should be “Where do lonely people go, when they’re living on broken dreams?”

“Where do Lonely people go, when the worlds not what it seems” should be “Where do Lonely people go, when the world’s not what it seems?”

“Staring at the shadows made from my guitar” would probably better as “Staring at the shadows made by my guitar” (or “...cast by my guitar.)

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 01, 2017, 07:23 PM

Thanks for the feedback. I appreciate the advise and will experiment with your sugestions. Which are very helpful. I believe in accepting all forms of analysis because that is the only way to improve. My college degree didnt do much for my grammer, I always struggle with that. I do like the advice on the hook changes. The music I wrote for this song allows for changes. The biggest issue is my lack of vocal theory for singing. Thanks once again for the feedback. That is exactley what I enjoy this far about these forums.

” I’m just a guy with a Guitar”
      BC Caster

 
     
BCCaster Joined Aug 29, 2017
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Sep 01, 2017, 09:59 PM

WHERE DO LONELY PEOPLE GO
(intro)
Where Do Lonely People Go, when THEY’RE living on broken dreams? (They’re = They are. They’re going there in their car.)
Where Do Lonely People Go, when the world’s not what it seems? (world’s = world is)
(Verse 1)
(Verse 1’s Lyric and Melody set a pattern to repeat in other Verses, supplying structure listeners can relate to. V1 Line 1 has five syllables in a phrase, offset by a comma, which implies a ‘rest’ there, before finishing with another 4-syllable phrase. That pattern of words dictates that pattern of notes in the Melody. Verse 2 should have the same or very nearly the same number of syllables, possibly in that same two-phrase cadence, making the repeat of the Melody familiar to the listener. Now count the syllables/notes in your Verse 2 Line 1.)

(All four lines here are a run-on ‘thought’, an incomplete sentence, with no noun to be the ‘actor’ doing the ‘action’ of the verbs, ‘Sitting, Waiting, Staring, Wondering’. I like getting the noun in there, ‘I’m’. It introduces the Singer-Character, the guy in the Song, the guy telling his story, first-person.)
(I’m) Sitting at the house, wasting the day,
Waiting for the phone to ring
Staring at the shadows made from/by my guitar,
Wondering if YOU’RE thinking of me. (‘Your’ means ‘belonging to you’. ‘you’re’ means ‘you are’. When readers have to stop to figure out what you meant to say instead of what you did say, it interrupts the ‘consumption’ of your Lyric. These lines vaguely set the scene, paint the picture of the Singer-Character in a physical, visual place. The last line introduces the Love-Interest Character, with ‘you’re’.)

I know it’s not love that left me lonely and something’s going to have to change!
(This line implies the Melody lifting to the more urgent emotional tone of the Chorus. You repeat THE Hook here, the title line. I think these two lines ARE the Chorus, perhaps a Refrain-Type Chorus, which is an integral component of Verse 1, as opposed to a Stanza-Type Chorus which has multiple lines like a Verse.)
Where Do Lonely People Go just to get away?

(Verse 2 Line 1 has 2 extra syllables, compared to V1 Line 1, dictating 2 extra notes, and is one continuous sentence, as opposed to two phrases of 5 syllables and 4 syllables, respectively, so the Melody is different. IT might work. Only hearing could tell. Now compare syllable counts in the other lines.)
(Verse 2)
I think I’ll take a trip down to New Orleans,
I’m going to find me a woman with a heart full of dreams. (V1 Line 2has 7 syllables/notes. V2 Line 2 has 14.)
Some brown eyed lady with a pretty smile (V1 Line 3, 11, V2 Line 3, 10, close enough.)
We can drink a hurricane and maybe dance for a while (V1 Line 4, 9, V2 Line 4, 14, so the Melody will be vastly different.)

(Also compare the Rhyme-Scheme: V1 ‘day, ring, guitar, me’. ‘ring’ and ‘me’ might be a near-Rhyme, in an ABAB pattern. V2 ‘Orleans, dreams, smile, while’, an AABB pattern. Consistency of Rhyme-Scheme is probably a stronger effect on a listener.)
(Here you repeat the Refrain-Type Chorus, THE Hook/title. But suddenly the Love-Interest Character is simply discarded and the Singer-Character is imagining another woman in New Orleans.)
I know it’s not love that left me lonely and things are going to have to change
Where Do Lonely People Go, just to get away?

(Listeners have now heard the Melody twice, in two Verses, one right after the other. This is a good place for a Bridge, a brief instrumental interlude, or a vocal Bridge. A third hearing of the same Melody might be TOO MUCH repetition. A Song must have enough repetition to supply structure, and enough change to keep it interesting, to keep them hooked. The concept of ‘enough’ is a judgment call on the part of the Songwriter.)

(Verse 3)
Driving down the highway for most of the night (11 syll/notes. Compare that to V1 and V2, Line 1’s. Will the Melody match?)
I haven’t seen a single car there’s not a soul in sight (Count syll/notes on all the other lines.)
I’m smoking my last cigarette and down to 10 bucks (Again the Hard-Rhyme AABB pattern, ‘night, sight, bucks, luck’.)
My gauge is showing empty and I’m pushing my luck

I know it’s not love that left me lonely and somethings going to have to change
Where Do Lonely People Go, just to get away

(How long does it take to execute the Song? If you’re going beyond 3:30 you’re not radio-friendly. They want them short so they can play the commercial ads that pay the bills. Also, if you go on too long you risk losing the listeners, if you had them hooked.)
(Verse 4)
Right before it happened I opened my eyes
I slammed on the BRAKE and then I realized (REALIZED)
The cross on the mirror was taking me home,
then I realized I was never alone. (REALIZED. I’d used ‘realized’ in one line or the other, not both.)

I know it’s not love that left me lonely
And somethings going to have to change
Where Do Lonely People Go just to get away.

(Coda) final Musical Movement
Where Do Lonely People Go just to get away.
Where Do Lonely People Go just to get away.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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Sep 02, 2017, 12:26 AM

Thanks for the input Gary . Gaven also identified a few grammatical errors that are important. I have gotten an abudent amount of information from the post. It puts a whole new perspective on the lyrical structure. This thread will be one I refer back . The last verse was omitted for the contest because of the length . I need to figure out how to tell this story without confusing the listener. This will be hard because the main point is The 4th verse. Sometimes my “over writing” of lyrics is as bad as trying to figure out the next verse. I will take everyone advice and apply it. Im comparing the input and comparing it to “A Heart Like Mine and How I Know”. BTW very good songs. I have learned a few terms that I will research and try to understand.
Once agin Thanks for the input. So far the has been the best forum I have found on the internet.

” I’m just a guy with a Guitar”
      BC Caster

 
     
BCCaster Joined Aug 29, 2017
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Sep 10, 2017, 04:29 AM

You have V G advice from two Good writers on here

Best Wishes

Hi All  

I am A Song Writer Performer based in Europe .I also work for a Publisher

and have spent years at E M I of Hayes U K working in A and R plus Artiste

Development.

 
     
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Brad De Younge Joined Aug 19, 2012
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