Anxiously Believing - please critique

 
       
 
Sep 05, 2017, 03:27 PM

May still have a verse to add but any comments appreciated. This is a different one for me.

Anxiously Believing
(c) Tony Pistilli 2017

Verse 1
Staring at a crack in the floor
Hoping that it holds the solution
Or a reason he should lift up his head
Nothing seems to reach him

Somewhere in the void of dispair
Thunder can be heard in the distance
And familiar feelings stir up inside
Anxiously believing

Verse 2
Stranded in a puddle of tears
Wishing for a hero to save her
But if no one cares enough to respond
What’s the point of crying

Something makes her heart skip a beat
Sensing an emotion forgotten
On the breeze drifts the fragrance of hope
Anxiously believing

Bridge
In the darkest times
Of all our lives
There’s still a seed
Wait patiently….
Anxiously believing

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 05, 2017, 04:06 PM

It has a good flow to it, Tony, and I like the hook/title. I got a little bit lost in the first reading, trying to tie the verses together. Does verse 2 refer to a different person and situation from verse 1?

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 05, 2017, 04:10 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 05 September 2017 04:06 PM

It has a good flow to it, Tony, and I like the hook/title. I got a little bit lost in the first reading, trying to tie the verses together. Does verse 2 refer to a different person and situation from verse 1?

Yes, they are separate people. Wasn’t sure if it would work. I tried to make it generic for personal interpretation. I considered first person, but I kind of like it as is…I’m pondering a 3rd verse to kind of tie them together…like….‘all of us’...or ‘we’...but the bridge did that already. I’m open to suggestions. This is kind of a new one for me.
Thanks so much for the read and comments as always.
Tony

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 05, 2017, 04:11 PM

Just thinking about it…I may be able to make a verse with both parties and make it a relationship gone sour with hope of being repaired…what do you think?

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 05, 2017, 05:34 PM

What about this? I like the idea of the 3rd verse but does it seem forced?

Verse 1
Staring at a crack in the floor
Hoping that it holds the solution
Or a reason he should lift up his head
Nothing seems to reach him

Somewhere in the void of dispair
Thunder can be heard in the distance
And familiar feelings stir up inside
Anxiously believing

Verse 2
Stranded in a puddle of tears
Wishing for a hero to save her
But if no one cares enough to respond
What’s the point of crying

Something makes her heart skip a beat
Sensing an emotion forgotten
On the breeze drifts the fragrance of hope
Anxiously believing

Bridge
In the darkest times
Of all our lives
There’s still a seed
Wait patiently….
Anxiously believing

Verse 3
Both of them are hanging by threads
Maybe if they tie them together
‘Cause this love can be forever again
If they’ll try to see
And anxiously
Believe

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 05, 2017, 07:48 PM

I like this, Tony. The technique of one character, the other character then tying them together is a nice one. For it to work at its best, it needs to be very visual. We want to picture the two characters as they sit apart from each other. Staring at a crack in the floor is a great start. I played around with it and you can see the result below. I tried to introduce more visual and other sensual elements. In doing so, I might have completely ruined it or changed it from what you want it to be.

Staring at a crack in the floor
Hoping that it holds the solution
Or a reason he should lift up his head
To stare around this empty room

Somewhere through the window and across the fields (of this dirty motel or some other location - I don’t know where you want him to be)
Thunder can be heard in the distance
A familiar feeling stirs up inside
Anxiously believing

Stranded in a puddle of tears
Hoping for a hero to save her
But with no one to hold her or gently touch her shoulder
What’s the point of crying

Something makes her heart skip a beat
The shock of an emotion forgotten
On the breeze drifts the fragrance of hope
Anxiously believing

Bridge
In the darkest hour (let’s make it all about this one moment)
Of all our lives
There’s still a seed
Wait patiently….
Anxiously believing

Verse 3
If only they can tie together
The threads that they’re both hanging by
This love can be forever again
If he and she
Anxiously
Believe

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 05, 2017, 09:15 PM

I like it. There are some wording I will need to work on. You definitely didn’t ‘ruin’ it…lol. The idea’s there and I think this is a better framework. You know how it is when you have a certain meter in your head.  I will post when I get time to work on it. Thanks for the time and effort.
Tony

[ Edited: 05 September 2017 09:17 PM by Tony Pistilli]
 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 06, 2017, 10:07 AM

Here’s a revision. I still have to rewrite the 2 lines that start “Somewhere from his musty hotel…” these lines just plain suck and don’t make sense…any ideas? I want something to remind him of her…wind sounding like her sobs…something like that. Also, I tried transitioning the bridge and 3rd verse to their perspective instead of 3rd person. I think it works. What do you think?


Verse 1
Staring at a crack in the floor
Hoping that it holds the solution
Or a reason he should lift up his head
Some things seem too broken

Somewhere from his musty hotel——————CHANGE
Thunder can be heard in the distance————CHANGE
And familiar feelings stir up inside
Anxiously believing

Verse 2
Stranded in a puddle of tears
Wishing for a hero to save her
When there’s no one with a shoulder to lend
What’s the point of crying

Something makes her heart skip a beat
Sensing an emotion forgotten
On the breeze drifts the fragrance of hope
Anxiously believing

Bridge
In the darkest time
Of both our lives
There’s still a seed
Wait patiently….

Verse 3
Two of us just hanging by a thread
Maybe if we tie them together
Then our love can be forever again
If you and me
Though anxiously
Believe

[ Edited: 06 September 2017 10:36 AM by Tony Pistilli]
 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 06, 2017, 10:50 AM

Sitting on the edge of their bed
Her sobbing softly haunting his conscience
And familiar feelings stir up inside
Anxiously believing

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 06, 2017, 11:40 AM

Looks like I maybe messed with it too much :) I have been known to do that.

The reason I changed “wishing” to “hoping” in “Hoping for a hero to save her” was to have the alliteration of “Hoping” and “hero” and to echo the corresponding line in the first verse.

In the next line “But with no one to hold her or gently touch her shoulder” was done for the internal rhyme and because, in my head, the melody was enhanced by the variation in syllables filling out the whole line. I had imagined lines of 4 bars of 4/4 time.

None of this means they were good ideas of course. Just alternatives.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Sep 06, 2017, 11:53 AM
Gavin Sinclair - 06 September 2017 11:40 AM

Looks like I maybe messed with it too much :) I have been known to do that.

The reason I changed “wishing” to “hoping” in “Hoping for a hero to save her” was to have the alliteration of “Hoping” and “hero” and to echo the corresponding line in the first verse.

In the next line “But with no one to hold her or gently touch her shoulder” was done for the internal rhyme and because, in my head, the melody was enhanced by the variation in syllables filling out the whole line. I had imagined lines of 4 bars of 4/4 time.

None of this means they were good ideas of course. Just alternatives.

It’s all good. Your suggestions actually helped quite a bit in focusing my thoughts. I like how it flows now and I thinks it makes more sense than before (or at least I hope so). My main concern right now is if the changing of perspective at the bridge thru the last verse to end makes sense. I think it does, but I’m prejudiced…lol.
Tony P

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 08, 2017, 12:16 AM

I also like the flow of the song. I completely understood the use of 2 different people. I am anxious to hear the music with the lyrics. Gavin presented something that I would not have considered but will for my future projects. I can see how making the connection would be useful.
The song title automatically catches my attention ” Anxiously Believing”. Good lyrics and good advice given by Gavin.

” I’m just a guy with a Guitar”
      BC Caster

 
     
BCCaster Joined Aug 29, 2017
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Sep 08, 2017, 09:38 AM
BCCaster - 08 September 2017 12:16 AM

I also like the flow of the song. I completely understood the use of 2 different people. I am anxious to hear the music with the lyrics. Gavin presented something that I would not have considered but will for my future projects. I can see how making the connection would be useful.
The song title automatically catches my attention ” Anxiously Believing”. Good lyrics and good advice given by Gavin.

Thanks so much for the kind comments.
TonyP

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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Sep 09, 2017, 05:20 PM

Final lyrics:

Anxiously Believing

Verse 1
Staring at a crack in the floor
Hoping that it holds the solution
Or a reason he should lift up his head
Some things seem too broken

Sitting on the edge of their bed
Her sobbing softly haunting his conscience
And familiar feelings stir up inside
Anxiously believing

Verse 2
Stranded in a puddle of tears
Wishing for a hero to save her
When there’s no one with a shoulder to lend
What’s the point of crying

Something makes her heart skip a beat
Sensing an emotion forgotten
On the breeze drifts the fragrance of hope
Anxiously believing

Bridge
In the darkest time
Of both our lives
There’s still a seed
Wait patiently….

Verse 3
Two of us just hanging by a thread
Maybe if we tie them together
Then our love can be forever again
If you and me
Though anxiously
Believe

 
     
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Tony Pistilli Joined Apr 13, 2017
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