THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

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Jan 11, 2018, 02:41 PM

Hey all! Wrote this for my cousin to sing hopefully melody will come out soon!  This is clearly an Ed Sheeran style


THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

im in love with the girl next door
im in love with the way she makes me feel
and if only i could give her a kiss
she would see
everything she means to me
the next time i see her
ill say

oh darlin place your head on my chest
oh darlin come and lay with me instead
and we’ll be dancing in the moonlight
hoping a shooting star goes by
wishing for our hearts to colide
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe me if i told you
that its all written in the stairs above us
and when the storm come rollin in
you can come to me

so wont you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin place your head on my chest
oh darlin come and lay with me instead
and we’ll be dancing in the moonlight
hoping a shooting star goes by
wishing for our hearts to colide
and when they do
you will love me too

im in love with the girl next door

[ Edited: 12 January 2018 06:17 PM by Gabriela Barreto]

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 12, 2018, 10:40 AM

... just a few minor corrections and question marks:


I’m in love with the girl next door => no “to”
I’m in love with the way she makes me feel
and if only I could make her see
everything she means to me
she would know I => ??? “know me”? would still not make much sense
the next time I see her
I’lll say

oh darlin place your head on my chest => “on”, not “over”
oh darlin come and lay with me instead
and we’ll be dancing in the moonlight => “in”, not “by”
hoping for shooting stars to fall => why not one shooting star for each ;-)
wishing for our hearts to collide => typo ;-)
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe if I told you
that its all written in the stars above us => type ;-)
an when the storm comes rolling in => typo(s)
you can hide under me => ??? maybe “you can seek shelter in my arms” or so - if it fits the tune

so won’t you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin place your head…

I’m in love with the girl next door

Bernd
good lyricist, mediocre songwriter, lousy musician;
likes rock, writes for anybody anyway
http://bernd-harmsen.com

 
     
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Bernd Harmsen Joined May 31, 2009
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Jan 12, 2018, 01:15 PM
Bernd Harmsen - 12 January 2018 10:40 AM

... just a few minor corrections and question marks:


I’m in love with the girl next door => no “to”
I’m in love with the way she makes me feel
and if only I could make her see
everything she means to me
she would know I => ??? “know me”? would still not make much sense
the next time I see her
I’lll say

oh darlin place your head on my chest => “on”, not “over”
oh darlin come and lay with me instead
and we’ll be dancing in the moonlight => “in”, not “by”
hoping for shooting stars to fall => why not one shooting star for each ;-)
wishing for our hearts to collide => typo ;-)
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe if I told you
that its all written in the stars above us => type ;-)
an when the storm comes rolling in => typo(s)
you can hide under me => ??? maybe “you can seek shelter in my arms” or so - if it fits the tune

so won’t you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin place your head…

I’m in love with the girl next door

Hi! didnt realize there were so many mistakes! Some were just typing problems. I’ll fix them and edit it. thks! The “you can seek shelter in my arms” doesnt really fit the tune, guess the sentence is just to big. I couldnt find nothing to replace it any suggestions??

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 13, 2018, 09:23 AM

(you can) ride it out with me

Either one syllable extra (pick up note?) or less. I think the longer version will fit:

Stresses
now:  YOU can HIDE _ UNder ME
then: YOU can RIDE it OUT with ME

Cheers,
Bernd

Bernd
good lyricist, mediocre songwriter, lousy musician;
likes rock, writes for anybody anyway
http://bernd-harmsen.com

 
     
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Bernd Harmsen Joined May 31, 2009
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Jan 13, 2018, 11:21 AM

Personally, I find Ed Sheeran to be so irritating as to constitute noise pollution. However….

...if you are going for his style, can I suggest a few more details. He tends to include a lot of mundane information. What is it that the singer loves about her? Give us at least one thing - her smile, her eyes, her hair, her behind? :) 

I’ve made a few suggestions below.

I’m in love with the girl next door
with how those laughing eyes make me feel
and if I could only kiss those lips
she would see
everything she means to me
the next time i see her
ill say

oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
that long brown hair under the moonlight
hoping for a shooting star in the sky
wishing for our hearts to collide
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe me if i told you
that its all written in the stars above us
and when the storm come rollin’ in
you can shelter with me

so wont you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
that long brown hair under the moonlight
hoping for a shooting star in the sky
wishing for our hearts to collide
and when they do
you will love me too

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Jan 14, 2018, 12:14 PM
Bernd Harmsen - 13 January 2018 09:23 AM

(you can) ride it out with me

Either one syllable extra (pick up note?) or less. I think the longer version will fit:

Stresses
now:  YOU can HIDE _ UNder ME
then: YOU can RIDE it OUT with ME

Cheers,
Bernd

I liked that! It totally fits. Can I edit that in??

[ Edited: 14 January 2018 12:16 PM by Gabriela Barreto]

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 14, 2018, 12:34 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 13 January 2018 11:21 AM

Personally, I find Ed Sheeran to be so irritating as to constitute noise pollution. However….

...if you are going for his style, can I suggest a few more details. He tends to include a lot of mundane information. What is it that the singer loves about her? Give us at least one thing - her smile, her eyes, her hair, her behind? :) 

I’ve made a few suggestions below.

I’m in love with the girl next door
with how those laughing eyes make me feel
and if I could only kiss those lips
she would see
everything she means to me
the next time i see her
ill say

oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
that long brown hair under the moonlight
hoping for a shooting star in the sky
wishing for our hearts to collide
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe me if i told you
that its all written in the stars above us
and when the storm come rollin’ in
you can shelter with me

so wont you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
that long brown hair under the moonlight
hoping for a shooting star in the sky
wishing for our hearts to collide
and when they do
you will love me too


Hey Gavin! Wow, never heard such a strong opinion about Ed.
I didnt quite really like the “laughing eyes” and “ long brown hair under..” I think It didnt quite match the song…. maybe I can change “his style” a little??I liked the “caress”, didn’t think of that. My range of vocabulary is too short. I put some of your changes in…Can I keep those? One more question: Is it too short? Does it need another verse?

The girl next door

im in love with the girl next to door
im in love with the way she makes me feel
and if only i could kiss those lips
she would see
everything she means to me
the next time i see her
ill say


oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
and we’ll dance by the moonlight
hoping a shooting star goes by
wishing for our hearts to colide
and when they do
you will love me too


would you believe me if i told you
that its all written in the stairs above us
an when the storm come rollin in
you can ride it out with me

so wont you love me too
love meee too

oh darlin’ lay your head on my chest
lie beside me, let me caress
and we’ll be dancing by the moonlight
hoping a shooting star goes by
wishing for our hearts to colide
and when they do
you will love me too

im in love with the girl next door

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 14, 2018, 03:00 PM

Hey Gabriela. Of course, you can keep anything you want and discard what you don’t like. That’s what we’re here for. Your use of caress doesn’t work though without changing the next line too. Caress is a transitive verb requiring an object - you have to caress something, not just caress.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Jan 14, 2018, 07:47 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 14 January 2018 03:00 PM

Hey Gabriela. Of course, you can keep anything you want and discard what you don’t like. That’s what we’re here for. Your use of caress doesn’t work though without changing the next line too. Caress is a transitive verb requiring an object - you have to caress something, not just caress.

Thanks Gavin! Can you be caress for a person (referring to the upper sentence) ?

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 14, 2018, 07:53 PM

Sorry, Gabriela, I’m not sure what your question means. If you are asking if you can use “caress” as an adjective, the answer is no. If you are asking if it can be used as a noun, the answer is yes, but it refers to the act of caressing something or someone- touching her/him/it tenderly.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Jan 14, 2018, 09:10 PM
Gavin Sinclair - 14 January 2018 07:53 PM

Sorry, Gabriela, I’m not sure what your question means. If you are asking if you can use “caress” as an adjective, the answer is no. If you are asking if it can be used as a noun, the answer is yes, but it refers to the act of caressing something or someone- touching her/him/it tenderly.

Sorry if I wasnt very clear. I meant if you can be caress for someone like touching her/him/it. I mean use it as a verb “lie beside me, let me touch you” could be a sub??

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 15, 2018, 11:06 PM

Hello Gabriela,

Maybe try “caress my soul” instead of “let me caress”, see if it works for you.  Best wishes,

Speak soon

Music is an international language, say it with a song.

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Deacon Joined Aug 30, 2009
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Jan 17, 2018, 08:27 PM

Hi Gabriela,here is a song which might help you I wrote it for a musical !The girl next door.I it wrote some years ago.

https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/player.cfm?type=single&songid=9282267&q=hi&newref=1

 
     
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Otto Kristen Joined Jul 26, 2006
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Jan 17, 2018, 08:39 PM
Deacon - 15 January 2018 11:06 PM

Hello Gabriela,

Maybe try “caress my soul” instead of “let me caress”, see if it works for you.  Best wishes,

Speak soon

Hi Deacon,

I dont think it really fits the sentence “lie beside me, caress my soul” but thks. Do u have any other suggestions??

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 17, 2018, 08:46 PM
Otto Kristen - 17 January 2018 08:27 PM

Hi Gabriela,here is a song which might help you I wrote it for a musical !The girl next door.I it wrote some years ago.

https://www.soundclick.com/html5/v3/player.cfm?type=single&songid=9282267&q=hi&newref=1

Hey Otto,
Did not know there was a musical, for me it was a tv series. The melody and style are totally different from what I imagined for this song, but I liked it.

nothing to do? Sing a song.
GBcompany

 
     
Gabriela Barreto Joined Feb 28, 2016
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Jan 18, 2018, 03:49 PM

Thanks and good luck.

 
     
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Otto Kristen Joined Jul 26, 2006
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