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Feb 12, 2018, 09:58 PM

Old times

We could ride through the town
Roll the windows down
Talk about you and me
Or we could drive all night do whatever you like
Whatever that might be

Cause I’ve dreamed this here for a couple of years catching up with you
And now your in this bar with your old guitar just like you use to do
I wanna hear how you’ve been what you’ve been through but I need to know the truth
Have you been missing me like I’ve been missing you.

I always wondered when I left if it’d be a regret
But what you didn’t know is I prayed for you to go down a better road I never thought I’d be seeing you and how that might go
but when my eyes met yours we felt the love that was once known
And you asked me baby please come home

Cause I’ve dreamed this here for a couple of years catching up with you
And now your in this bar with your old guitar just like you use to do
I wanna hear how you’ve been what you’ve been through but I need to know the truth
Have you been missing me like I’ve been missing you.

 
     
Taylor ann Joined Feb 10, 2018
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Feb 13, 2018, 11:10 AM

There’s a Rhyme-Scheme in there that breaks out of the common four-line last-word pattern. The first ‘Stanza’ Rhymes ‘town, down, me, night, like, be. That’s a very effective Rhyme-Scheme to my ear. It uses the age-old Nursery Rhyme pattern, leaving ‘me’ hanging, Un-Rhymed, and then picks it up with ‘be’. (So, when they say, ‘Don’t leave ‘me’ hanging, don’t take their advice. lol)

Nursery Rhymes use that pattern precisely because it is effective in getting a child’s attention. It makes the whole ‘poem’ more memorable.

Old times (The title of a poem can be abstract, less obvious in the poem itself. In a Song the title is THE Hook, the summary words that sum up what the main idea is, and the words that are repeated in strategic places to drive home that idea as the main idea and title.)

(Introductory Movement: 10 to 14 seconds. Just ‘enough’ to serve the function of ‘hooking’ listeners’ interest.)

We could ride through the town
Roll the windows down
Talk about you and me
Or we could drive all night
do whatever you like
Whatever that might be

Cause I’ve dreamed this here (I recommend deleting ‘Cause’.)
for a couple of years
catching up with you
And now your in this bar (‘your’ means ‘belonging to you’. ‘you’re’ means ‘you are’. Delete ‘And’.)
with your old guitar
just like you used to do

(The pattern of the Rhyme-Scheme established in the first Stanza is repeated in the second, ‘here, years, you’ (left Un-Rhymed) ‘bar, guitar, do’. These are ‘Hard Rhymes’ or ‘Perfect Rhymes’, matching each other so the ear immediately ‘gets’ the Rhyme. It’s a strong methodology for making a Lyric memorable.)

(The two-Stanza or two-Verse Lyric above may, musically, be two parts of one Verse. The second seems to imply a little different feel, more of a buildup or ‘lift’ toward the more urgent emotion of the Chorus. That might have implications for the Rhyme-Scheme and pattern of the Verse/Verses after the Chorus.)

(Below is what I think your Chorus is. The ‘Stanzas’ above have Lyrcallyi ‘set up the storyline, which is the function of Verses, and the Chorus ‘sums up’, making the main point, the main idea of the Song, which I think is in this last line, the ‘missing’ concept.)

I wanna hear how you’ve been
what you’ve been through
but I need to know the truth (Again, ‘but’ is unnecessary. Deleting it unclutters the line in the singer’s mouth.)
Have you been missing me
Like I’ve Been Missing You?

(The title could be “Have You Been Missing Me”, but is more likely “Like I’ve Been Missing You”. The “Like…” line occupies the strategic last-line position, the last thing left ringing in the listeners’ ears. It could repeat, to further emphasize it. The idea, exposing what the Singer-Character wants to know from the Love-Interest Character, what we all want to know in relationships, is whether the feeling is mutual in depth and in fact. That’s a strong concept with broad appeal. We can all relate to wanting that reassurance.)

(Next you return to the Verse, the function being to let the Singer-Character continue or complete their story. ‘But’ what happens to your Rhyme-Scheme? ‘left, regret, go, road, you go, yours, known, me, home’. Verses 1 & 2 had 6 lines. Here are 11. I suggest you examine the Rhyme-Scheme and untangle it. Some say, “Writing, is re-writing.” This will be a good ‘lesson’ for you, here on the campus of Songwriter101. You should make the lines below ‘obey’ the pattern set in the Verse 1 (or 1 & 2) you started with; same Rhyme-Scheme, same number of lines, same implications for Melody, repeating the Melody you ‘perceive’ or have in V1/2. Good luck. Pop quiz on Friday.)

I always wondered when I left (This line is longer than the first lines of Verses 1 & 2. Delete ‘always’?)
if it’d be a regret (Un-contracting ‘it’d’ might make a better Rhythm.)
But what you didn’t know (Contrary to everything mother taught us, leave your ‘but’ out!)
is I prayed for you to go
down a better road
I never thought I’d be seeing you
and how that might go
but when my eyes met yours (but*)
we felt the love that was once known
And you asked me
“Baby please come home!”

(Repeat Chorus)
I’ve dreamed this here
for a couple of years
catching up with you
Now you’re in this bar
with your old guitar
just like you used to do
I wanna hear how you’ve been
what you’ve been through
I need to know the truth
Have you been missing me
Like I’ve Been Missing You?

(I’d repeat to end, the Coda or final Musical Movement.)

Have you been missing me
Like I’ve Been Missing You?
Like I’ve Been Missing You?
I’ve Been Missing You.

(*Writers employ ‘connector’ words like ‘but’, ‘and’, and ‘because/‘cause’ to connect ideas in one line to ideas in the next line. It helps writer’s ‘get’ the story. But (?) I think listeners ‘get’ it without those connectors. Deleting them for the Lyric gets them out of the way of the singer, one less Syllable so one less note to sing. Sometimes singers will simply rush the words, crowding them in, rather than finding a natural flow. Sometimes they feel natural to the flow, the Rhythm. That’s a judgment call the Songwriter and the singer have to make. Use them to write, then try deleting them to see if it works the same, better, or worse, without them.)

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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Feb 13, 2018, 03:12 PM

Hello Taylor,

Good to see you again, and thank you for sharing your lyric.  Gary is giving some really good advice, trimming words that are not needed can make the lyric sound more professional and make it easier for the vocalist to sing.  If you make your lines conversational, as one person were talking to another, it is easy for your audience to settle into the song rather than analyze a barrage of words.  Your hook, “Old Times”  is not in your lyric, “Like I’ve Been Missing You”, would most likely be your hook, and your audience likely would identify and remember “Missing You”.  Do you have a melody in mind?  Good luck on this project and best wishes,

Speak soon,

Music is an international language, say it with a song.

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Deacon Joined Aug 30, 2009
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Feb 13, 2018, 05:24 PM

I like this, Taylor. Good advice from Gary, and yes, that third stanza is a bit of a mess, compared to the others. Nothing that can’t be repaired though, and I think it’s worth it, because you have all the ingredients here - strong simple sentiment, good flow, visual elements, etc. It reads like it wants to be sung.

The first verse put me in the car with the characters and I kind of wanted to stay there. I pictured her with one hand on the gear stick, asking, “where to…?” I was a bit disappointed to be moved to the bar, because it felt a bit like a cliche and lost the tension of the implied start of a journey.

You could keep them in the car, with a couple of tiny changes.

I’ve dreamed this here for a couple of years catching up with you
Then I see you in this bar with your old guitar just like you used to do

and then later, a slight variation in the last chorus…

I’ve dreamed this here for a couple of years catching up with you
And now your in my car with your old guitar just like you use to do (OR again, just me and you)

This is all probably just me. I was intrigued by that image of them talking side by side in her car. Others might not be.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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Feb 16, 2018, 08:15 PM

Let me know if you want me to help you out on something lyric wise.

 
     
carroll kiphen Joined Feb 22, 2016
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