Hey G’day

 
       
 
Feb 13, 2018, 05:53 PM

Hi Everyone!

My names Jesse I’m from Australia 🇦🇺 AKA the sun!
I’m a wordsmith who needs help and points of advice with writing choruses. I’m not sure what it is but I can never seem to write one that I like and it’s driving me nuts.

Here’s a rough copy of how I write please be gentle i wrote this in about 30 mins and it’s still quite rough. How would a hook be written to work with the verse?

“When I write it’s about life, I just try n capture the essence/-
I’m putting my life in between lines, like it’s the only way of expression/-

Time after time I’ve lost my way, I’ve tripped instead of steppin/-
It’s not a lie that I’ll hide, that I lost grip and learnt a bitter lesson/-

Now when tempers fly I don’t fight, I know I could end a life in a second/-
Too many lives are taken at night, id rather know my little man is protected/-

It’s his little life that lights my eyes, it’s come time to be a man an a parent/-
I’m his hero in his eyes so here I stand as I am, I changed cause I love n respect him/-

I’ve had times in my life That I’ll put behind an not mention an All this aside/-
I’d get wild and take a life without question if for a moment I felt his life’s been threatened/-

I understand the past is the past an to not let it affect our present/-
I’ve felt their arms on my arms and watched my hair raise In their presence/-

I can feel his heartbeat in my heart, everyday without question/-
He will be watching from the stars an keep his little brother safe n protected/-

It just hitting hard at my heart knowing this cancer in my blood may end it/-
For those who didn’t know I was diagnosed with polycythemia ( leukieama )last February the second/-

So when the brother and the scum, started screaming drugs n you helped em spread it/-
Tellin me I was ###### cause the drugs were hard when The only thing hard was me trying accept it/-

Pretenders just listen an never question, all i needed was you feelin alright mate?/-
Your lookin a bit white aye? Loosin the colour in your eyes hey, quite strange I might stay/-

It’s easier to judge an listen to lies, than it is to give em the time of day/-
Everyone’s got an imagination but it’s beaten me how decency’s seen to be a crime these days/-

#### it I don’t care, my whole life from the outside must seem like a train wreck/-
So quickly it’s like I go from infinite heights to oblivion based depths/-

One minute of my life’s like blitzin high with Bolivian bass heads/-
Then it twists n divides like I’ve gone missing or died like livin a frank sesh/-

So if we chillin or vibe an it comes to the light I’m wastin my time wit a fake friend/-
I’m gonna sit An I’ll smile an give you the grand tour of my train wreck/-“

 

Like I said it’s still just a rough draft but do you guys have any tips please?

 
     
Jesse sims Joined Feb 13, 2018
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Feb 24, 2018, 03:14 AM

Hi Jesse, G’day to you too, really great to have you here, Welcome.

I’m the receiver of your work as I’m pretty much everything else than a wordsmith, so I might need you sometime…I’ll see if I can use some of what you posted here…

Rich

 
     
Rich Joined Jan 06, 2018
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Feb 24, 2018, 10:16 AM

“some of what you posted here”

Lol, seems to me like you have enough topics here for about 5 songs! That’s a good thing
though! I start out with stuff like this all the time, I think it’s good to just allow your mind to
empty out onto the page. My advice now would be to tuck this away fo a week or two, then
re-read it and try to narrow down what your own motivation was. Welcome to the 101 Jesse!

 
     
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JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
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