Two Birds

 
       
 
Apr 15, 2018, 09:12 AM

I saw two birds today
They flew into LA
A little ragged
A little worn
But okay

They said
Hey brother
The world
Is torn asunder
Maybe
Tomorrow
Will bring
A better day

We will
Stay here
Awhile
Cause
We like
That LA style
Then
Maybe take
A trip
To the San Francisco
Bay

There we
Will dance
And maybe find
Some romance
They say
They got
Some loving
People
There

I saw two birds today
They flew in from LA
A little ragged
A little worn
But okay

They said
Hey brother
The world
Is torn asunder
Maybe
Tomorrow
Will bring
A better day

So let
Us
Wet our beaks
And
Find
An old
Barn
To fall
Asleep

We
Need
Some rest
Before
We
Fly way

When
We awake
We will sing
About
The wake
Of
The flood
That
Will wash everything
Away

I saw two birds today
They flew in from LA
A little ragged
A little worn
But okay

They said
Hey brother
The world
Is torn asunder
Maybe
Tomorrow
Will bring
A better day

[ Edited: 15 April 2018 10:28 AM by jerry]
 
     
jerry Joined Oct 10, 2015
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 16, 2018, 09:06 AM

Hey, Jerry, weird line breaks and ultra short lines are techniques that poets use to make their work seem more significant than it really is. You don’t need to do that. It breaks up the rhythm and the meaning and gets in the way of imagining a melody, which is a pity because there is a rhythm there. It just takes a bit of unnecessary work to get to it.

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 16, 2018, 06:31 PM

Gavin, pity is a bit strong, but I am okay. Music is written in antecedents and consequence , this was just written out in the phrasing for the antecedents and consequences

 
     
jerry Joined Oct 10, 2015
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 16, 2018, 06:35 PM
jerry - 16 April 2018 06:31 PM

Gavin, pity is a bit strong, but I am okay. Music is written in antecedents and consequence , this was just written out in the phrasing for the antecedents and consequences

Um….OK.
:)

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 04:25 AM

Perhaps there’s not enough antecedence here to make consequences clear…....

So let us wet our beaks
Then find an olive tree
And get some sleep

And come the dawn
We’ll fly out till the morn
Of an endless cleansing rain

[ Edited: 17 April 2018 04:41 AM by JAPOV]
 
     
Avatar
JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 05:22 AM

Japov , I agree, the mid points could be improved…I really like what you wrote! Thank you

 
     
jerry Joined Oct 10, 2015
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 08:46 AM

One
Ate
Too much
Of
His auntie’s seed and
Consequently
Got
Too
Fat to fly
The
Consequence
Of
The
Antecedent
Was
His
Auntie
See-ed an
Unfortunate
Fat
Little
Nephew
Die

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 09:55 AM

Good grief, now you’re just showing off!!!! :)

 
     
Avatar
JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 06:46 PM

Gavin,

Surprised at the response. Usually you are constructive.  Now, that’s a pity!

 
     
jerry Joined Oct 10, 2015
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 17, 2018, 06:53 PM

Just having a joke, Jerry. No offense intended.

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 18, 2018, 07:32 AM

Don’t mind Gavin, Jerry…... He and MAB are my 2 greatest inspirations here! :)

 
     
Avatar
JAPOV Joined Jul 02, 2006
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM

 
Apr 18, 2018, 09:19 AM

“Don’t mind Gavin” are words to live your life by :)

 
     
Avatar
Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank
  • Rank

Send PM