Lets sail away

Apr 15, 2018, 09:38 AM

CHORUS
Shhh, I take a deep breath
Shhh and I just smile.
A moment in time, shhhh
You touch my soul
First impression. Ahh
Your so… cool
Hey sweet baby, Ahh your beautiful

VERSE
We bump into each other on a one off chance
He looks so good wearing his motorbike pants
I’m buying baby if you’ll sit with me
Sit on down baby, what will it be

CHORUS
Shhh, I take a deep breath
Shhh and I just smile.
A moment in time, shhhh
You touch my soul
First impression. Ahh
Your so… cool
Hey sweet baby, Ahh your beautiful

VERSE
He loves his boats and adores his cars
He sails the seas and studies the stars
He says to me
If you follow me, I will take you away
To my special place
And there baby, I’l lead you astray

CHORUS
Shhh, I take a deep breath
Shhh and I just smile.
A moment in time, shhhh
You touch my soul
First impression. Ahh
Your so… cool
Hey sweet baby, Ahh your beautiful

BRIDGING VERSE
Take my hand and let’s sail away
To a special place on a special day
I will ride with you to Timbuctoo
On the back of your bike, me and you
And I will sail with you anywhere you want
Just you and I anytime you like
To a special place on a special day
Take my hand and let’s sail away

VERSE
Our laughter gets louder as the hours past
I’m feeling so comfortable with you at last
You take my hand and hold it tight
Let’s have dinner tonight by candlelight

CHORUS
Shhh, I take a deep breath
Shhh and I just smile.
A moment in time, shhhh
You touch my soul
First impression. Ahh
Your so… cool
Hey sweet baby, Ahh your beautiful

VERSE
And as the clouds reflect
Upon the diamond water
Our moods intensifies
Silence is magical
Nothing said but we both feel it
Hearts pumping to the waters music
Wind blowing to a beautiful moment
Our bodies embrace and we totally own it.

BRIDGING VERSE
Take my hand and let’s sail away
To a special place on a special day
I will ride with you to Timbuctoo
On the back of your bike, me and you
And I will sail with you anywhere you want
Just you and I anytime you like
To a special place on a special day
Take my hand and let’s sail away

Apr 15, 2018, 07:40 PM

I like the use of “shhh.” It could create a unique feel to the song. Fun to sing too.

You seem to have a problem with perspective. Sometimes it’s “you” and sometimes it’s “he.”

Also, the structure is not conducive to creating a song. Each verse has a different number of lines and there is no consistency in meter.

Lastly, do you think you might be better to stick either to land or to sea? The constant switching between the bike and sailing gets in the way of building a picture of either.

There’s plenty to like about this, but I think you need to fix these things.

Apr 15, 2018, 09:24 PM

The “shhh” is a little weird in my opinion.  I only listen to older-fashioned country music, so what do I know, but that’s not exactly a lyric and isn’t good as a consistent part of the song, in my opinion.  I would also suggest on working on the chorus.  I think it could use more attention (the normal verses are okay) and an attempt to make it follow a more consistent rhyme/rhythm.