“Fairy tale” (update)

 
       
 
May 08, 2018, 11:35 AM

Hi folks,

I am working on a new song called “Fairy tale”. I am trying to write some words to the music.
Do you have any suggestions:

I´ve recorded a rough demo yesterday to give you a picture.
Feel free to listen to it: https://soundcloud.com/user-784261513/fairy-tale-g-rough-demo

Help would be very much appreciated ... and I would be really grateful.


“Fairy tale” (3:13)
(words and music by Martin G)

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away
Lived a princess of such beauty, but the king hide her away

In a tower on an island, with dragons round the shore
And Sirens to distract, the passing ships furthermore
There she waited for her rescue all day

I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stand against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered Land, where we can drift away
Where we create our own Fairy Tale

To challenge the king, was an impossible thing to do
I would never take his life, and I won´t lose mine too

So I broke into his dorm, and I stole the key
Got back on the island, took the princess with me
And lived with her forever (and one day)

I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stand against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered land, where we can drift away
Where we create our own fairy tale

Bridge:
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)

Chorus

Coda
I saw kingdoms…
(we´ll create a fairy tale… )

[ Edited: 17 May 2018 11:47 AM by Martin G]

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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May 16, 2018, 12:52 PM

Help, I need somebody’s help :)

Have recorded a new version yesterday, still hope for suggestions

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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May 16, 2018, 01:43 PM

This is charming. It has a child-like quality to it (in a good way). Do you see it as a children’s song? I can see it with an animated video of the kind that small children would watch on TV. The gentle piano is just right.

I’ve made a few suggestions below. A couple are corrections of your English, the others are suggestions to give it a more poetic quality, which you may or may not want to use.

I’m not sure what you mean by this line:
“I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stand against the Siren´s call.”

How can a kingdom stand against the siren’s call. Or do you mean that the singer saw kingdoms rise and fall and was able to stand against the siren’s call? In that case, it would be:
“I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stood against the Siren´s call”

One general thing. I think it would be better if the story told us how he stood against the sirens’ call. Did he do as Odysseus did, or did he use some other trick?


Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away
Lived a princess of such beauty, but the king hid her away [hid is the past tense of hide]

In a tower on an island, dragons round the rocky shore
And Sirens to lure passing sailors who were heard of nevermore
There she waited for her rescue all day

I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stand against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered Land we will drift away
Where we create our own Fairy Tale

Should I challenge the king, so proud upon his throne?
No, I would never take his life, nor would I lose my own

So I broke into his chamber, and I stole the key [a dorm is a student residence at a university]
Sailed back to the island, took the princess with me
And lived with her forever (and a day) [forever and a day exists in English and is “poetic”]

I saw kingdoms rise and fall and stand against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered land, we will drift away
Where we create our own fairy tale

Bridge:
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)

Chorus

Coda
I saw kingdoms…
(we´ll create a fairy tale… )

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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May 16, 2018, 11:40 PM

Hello Martin,

How wonderful to hear this song even though it is a work in progress.  This sounds like a movie soundtrack, something that would be great in an animated motion picture, (examples would be “The Lion King”, “Frozen”, just to name a few).  The melody is really great, the story line is simple yet interesting.  I notice that Gavin has already suggested some grammatical changes, so here goes as to the way I hear it:

Once upon a time,
in a kingdom by the bay,
lived a lovely princess fair,
but the king hid her away.
Locked in a tower on an island
with dragons round the shore,
and sirens to distract,
passing ships furthermore.
Where she waited for,
her rescue every day.

I saw kingdoms rise and fall,
which withstood the sirens call.
On my pirate ship we’ll both sail,
to an undiscovered land.
Where we can drift away,
where we can create,
our own fairy tale.

To challenge the king,
was impossible to do.
I wouldn’t take his life,
nor would I lose mine too.
I breached the kings chamber,
where I stole the key,
sailed over to the island,
took the princess fair with me.
And we lived happily together,
forever her and me.

Chorus

Bridge

Chorus

Coda

Of course these are just suggestion, maybe something to build upon.  I think you are onto a great song here Martin, good luck and best wishes,

Speak soon,

[ Edited: 17 May 2018 12:50 AM by Deacon]

Music is an international language, say it with a song.

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Deacon Joined Aug 30, 2009
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May 17, 2018, 04:40 AM

Gavin,

thank you so much for your help and your suggestions. You are great!

Well, the song was not meant as kind of a “children’s song”. I came up with the melody and the composition about a year ago. It was stuck in my head. Ya know, after composing the melody I was kind of humming the melody over a period of time ... and one day, while humming the melody, I just sang..lalala… “and we create our own fairy tale”...and I was playing around with some other words and lines in my head ...

It´s not that easy to write words for a non-native and it´s even more difficult to match the words to the melody and when the little voice inside your head is telling you “write something with fairy tale, fairy tale… ” ....

The lines I pulled together ... turned out to become a story about my wife and the relationship with her father ... (just to clear the air, the princess is my wife and her father is the king ...). So she, locked away, I mean not technically locked away, more in the way of not letting her go, I, wanted to be with her, without meaning him any harm, just broke into his chamber and stole the key (being the smart-### that I am) ... story told!

You suggestions are pretty good. Hugh, change a word, grap a third… If I use these suggestions I gonna give you a credit for it :). Looks like you are the smart ### :).

Kidding. Thank you very very very very much Gavin. I think next time it´s easier for us, when I send you the demo with me singing “lalala” and you write the words in the first place :).

I am really grateful. Thank you so much!

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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May 17, 2018, 04:45 AM

Deacon, how are you doin?  Thank you so much for stopping by, reading, listening and making suggestions. It is sooo much appreciated. You are good people!

Hmm… soundtrack for a motion picture… Huh. The Nashville code for “this should be in a movie” is “I have no idea what to do with this ...” ...

Hmm.. my concern is, that the song is a bit too slow. What do you think?

Thank you so much for your suggestions ... there are sooo many nice people around here. Well it´s one, one, one wonderful ....

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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May 17, 2018, 11:42 AM

I´ve done a rough try of the lyrics Gavin provided. I sound a bit clumsy :(. But they work ... :)


“Fairy Tale”
(music by martin götz, words by martin götz and gavin sinclair)

Link to SoundCloud: https://soundcloud.com/user-784261513/fairy-tale-g-rough-demo

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far away
Lived a princess of such beauty, but the king hid her away

In a tower on an island, dragons round the shore
And Sirens to lure sailors who were heard of nevermore
There she waited for her rescue all day

I saw kingdoms rise and fall I stood against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered Land we will drift away
Where we create our own Fairy Tale

Should I challenge the king, so proud upon his throne?
No, I would never take his life, nor would I lose my own

So I broke into his chamber, and I stole the key
Sailed back to the island, took the princess with me
And lived with her forever (and a day)

I saw kingdoms rise and fall I stood against the Siren´s call
On my pirate ship the both of us will sail
To some undiscovered land, we will drift away
Where we create our own fairy tale

Bridge:
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)
A fairy tale (we´ll create a fairy tale)

Chorus
Coda
I saw kingdoms…
(we´ll create a fairy tale… )

[ Edited: 17 May 2018 11:48 AM by Martin G]

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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May 17, 2018, 12:00 PM

I think that works, Martin. It’s a really nice song. I’m not totally sure about the distorted vocals at the end, but overall I love it. It has a real charm about it. You can’t teach that. Some people can just do it - most can’t.

Not so sure that the few suggestion I made merit mention as a co-writer, but it’s nice to be associated with the song in whatever way.

 
     
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Gavin Sinclair Joined Dec 02, 2014
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May 27, 2018, 03:41 AM

I certainly think you have the making of something very charming, its needing work

to make it an outstanding piece,  but thats the way most of my songs get finished

From the initial concept , it can take me quite some time to be 100 per cent satisfied

with the B.P.M.  -  The Musical Phrasing   - The Songs Genre-or Genres—

The Backing Instruments—-The Quality of The Hooks—— and the list goes on and on

Re Write after Re Write, is the only way,and lastly——How does that finished song stand

up to todays competition .


Keep at it Martin its well worth putting in the time in my humble opinion

 
     
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Peter Kristian Joined Jan 11, 2008
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May 28, 2018, 05:18 AM

Hi Peter,

thank you very much for taking the time to look at my little tune and giving a feedback. It´s very much appreaceated.

I agree with you that a song always needs some work and will develope over time. The lyrics, the melody and the rough recording are done in the way, I was able to do them now. With my little english and my limited recording skills.

In one or two years the recording might be complete different. I see all recordings as kind of “reference track”... nothing is carved in stone, it might turn out to be different, every time I play it :)

Thank you Peter.

...every once in a while, I get in the mood or so…and start to play..

http://www.songcycle.org

 
     
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Martin G Joined May 27, 2009
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