Working title: Shadow

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Jun 13, 2018, 06:26 PM

I never write a lyric without a melody. As I revised the lyrics, the melody evolved with the words so it’s all there in my head, but thanks for the offer, Gav. I won’t be recording it any time soon. My hand is in a splint so I can’t play and my vocal chords are under siege by a wicked chest cold. Quite the hopeless singer/songwriter these days.  :)

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 13, 2018, 08:34 PM

Works for me.
Good job El Jenno.

M

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Jun 13, 2018, 08:40 PM
MBarne4908 - 13 June 2018 08:34 PM

Works for me.
Good job El Jenno.

M

Like El Niño…I’m hot air from the south?  ;)

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 13, 2018, 08:54 PM

Si!!

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Jun 13, 2018, 08:55 PM

I thought you were talking about me. I’m from the south too.

 
     
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MBarne4908 Joined Jul 29, 2010
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Jun 13, 2018, 09:24 PM
MBarne4908 - 13 June 2018 08:55 PM

I thought you were talking about me. I’m from the south too.

Lord no. Totally talking about me there. I’m El Jenno don’tcha know.

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 17, 2018, 11:32 AM

Working from your original post, here are some thoughts. I’ll try to go through the evolution of the Lyric through the thread, if I can, later, and see if my points are moot or irrelevant.

VERSE 1:
(I had) Skinned knees and pony tails (The noun, ‘I’, to be the ‘actor’ for the ‘action’ of the verb ‘had’.)
Feeling joy just to hammer some nails (with ya)
Right beside you; always “helping”
I must have been a pain. (I would expect a Rhyme for ‘pain’ at the end of the next stanza.)

(I Got) Dirty hands from soil and seed,
grass stains from crawling knees
Always laughing; always learning
And you would smile at me. (Picking up ‘pain’ with Rhyme here. “Taking walks in pouring rain.” or “Taking walks in the rain.”)

CHORUS: (The Chorus is where a Lyric gets to the point of everything the Singer-Character has told so far. And you do with Line 1.)
I Was Your Shadow (I capitalize the title.)
I walked by your side
Or under your feet (Always under your feet)
Asking you “Why? Why? Why?”
Your patience was epic
Your love was assured
Oh I Was Your Shadow (I would simply flip these last two lines.)
And you…were the World

(So the Chorus would read like this.)
I Was Your Shadow
I walked by your side
Always under your feet
Asking you “Why? Why? Why?”
Your patience was epic
Your love was assured
You…were MY World
I Was Your Shadow
I Was Your Shadow (Possibly repeating, to drive home that short title as THE Hook, the point of the story.)


(Syllable Count and Rhyme-Scheme from Verse 1 dictate, with reasonable allowance for some variation, the Syllable-Count and Rhyme-Scheme to be used in Verse 2.

Verse 1, composed of two 4-Line Stanzas, was 6 Syllables in Verse 1 Stanza 1 Line 1, 8 if you used my noun/verb (I had) suggestion,
Line 2, 9-(11 if you sing ‘with ya’), Lines 3 and 4, 8 and 6. and,

in V1 Stanza 2, 7 or 9 if you sing (You got), 6, 8, 6.)

VERSE 2: (Verse 1 had 8 lines? V2 only 4?)
First boy frozen on the stairs (7, compared to 6 (or 8) in V1 Line 1.

(This line is an incomplete sentence. For some reason when I ‘read’ it I imagined a brother trying to sneak out down the stairs and the Singer-Character witnessing it. That’s enough confusion to make me think the intent of the line isn’t conveyed well.

‘First boyfriend’ could clear that up. ‘First boyfriend frozen, foot of the stairs’, 9 Syllables, makes nine Notes-To-Sing, 3 more than V1 Line 1, meaning variation in Melody. Significant? Maybe. Maybe not. Singers can often make this work. “Boyfriend frozen, foot of the stairs.” 8.)

Watched him shrink under the weight of your stare (10 Syll/Notes, (No noun, ‘I’, the actor/action thing. “He shrank under/with the weight of your stare 9/8)
You were testin’; but you were teasin’ (Delete ‘but’ to keep the two-phrase pattern set in V1 Stanza 1 Line 3)

I saw it in your eyes (Again, ‘eyes’ is left hanging without a Rhyme, Nursery Rhyme style. I would expect the Rhyme to come at the end of Verse 2 Stanza 2. No Stanza 2? That could work. It leaves that Un-Rhymed ‘eyes’ dangling though.)

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
You were the forest
I was the glade
You were the mountain
And I was the plain (Delete ‘And’)
Always above me or standing beside
Lifting me up as your raised me in life
And now that you’re gone and I am alone (Delete ‘And’)
I have a shadow of my own
Cause you’re always with me (Delete ‘Cause’.
And I’ll never forget….(Delete ‘And’)

(A Bridge should be brief, only long enough to serve the function of breaking repetition. Your lines are short, so this may still work.

Flipping lines may also improve it, putting the ‘shadow’ idea back at the end of the Bridge Movement.)

You’re always with me
I’ll never forget
Now that you’re gone, I am alone
I have a shadow of my own

CHORUS
I was your shadow, etc.

[ Edited: 17 June 2018 12:30 PM by Gary E. Andrews]

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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Jun 17, 2018, 06:39 PM

Thank you for taking the time, Gary. Your lyric run-downs are always so informative. One of the suggestions you make is for the last line of each stanza to rhyme with the previous one. It’s not a rule that I’m familiar with. I’m curious just how essential it is. The reason I ask is that, I never actually took walks with my dad in the rain, or if I did, they weren’t memorable. That said, I want the lyric to be the strongest I can make it so if that is a firm(ish) rule in pro circles, then I’d want to find a way to make it happen with some other workable word. Thoughts anyone?

Some of the issues you’ve mentioned were addressed in my rewrite (posted earlier in the thread, but I’ll repost the rewrite here for ya). As you can see, there are still some syllable issues…

VERSE 1:
Skinned knees and pony tails
Feeling joy just to hammer some nails (with ya)
Right beside you; always “helping”
I must have been a pain.

(Got) Dirty hands from soil and seed
And grass stains from crawling ‘round freely
Always laughing; always learning
And you would smile at me.

CHORUS:
I was your shadow, right by your side
Under your feet, asking “why, why, why?”
Your patience was epic; your love overflowed
You were my world so I was your shadow

VERSE 2:
Nervous date frozen on the stairs
Watched him shrink under the weight of your stare
You were testin’ but you were teasin’
I saw it in your eyes

Comin’ home in the middle of the night
Sparks flew as your your anger ignited
You had fire, but it was harmless
Cause it was fueled by love

CHORUS

BRIDGE:
You were the forest and I was the glade
You were the mountain and I was the plain
Now that you’re gone and I am alone
I have a shadow of my own

(Cause you are always with me. And I will never forget….)

CHORUS:
...that I was your shadow, right by your side
Under your feet, asking “why, why, why?”
Your patience was epic; your love overflowed
You were my world so I was your shadow

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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Jun 17, 2018, 08:30 PM

No, not a rule. Just that you have two words that are Perfect-Rhymes, ‘tails/nails’ and then ‘helping’ (with ya)’, and then ‘pain’.

‘pain’ is left ‘hanging’, Un-Rhymed. A-A-B-C

Nursery Rhymes do this; Little Miss Muffett, Sat on her Tuffet, Eating her curds and whey. A-A-B

‘whey’ is left ‘hanging’, Un-Rhymed.

But they pick it up in the next ‘Stanza’; Along came a spider, Sat down beside ‘er, and scared Miss Muffett away. ‘whey/away’ A-A-B

It works very well in Nursery Rhymes, making for a memorable Lyric. And saves you from another four-line Rhymer.

Since it seems to be deliberately left ‘hanging’, Un-Rhymed, after opening with two Perfect-Rhymes, I would expect it to be picked up with a Rhyme later on.

If you’re trying to stay true to reality then reaching out for a Rhyme that didn’t happen won’t work, but it was a way of getting that ‘balance’ back into the Rhyme-Scheme.

The Un-Rhymed structure continues in the 2nd Verse. Since this is a personal documenting of personal experience it can do whatever the author desires, but if written for others it probably needs to employ Rhyme and other devices to ‘hook’ and sustain the ‘hooking’ of their attention.

There will always be another song to be written. Someone will write it. Why not you? http://www.garyeandrews.com

 
     
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Gary E. Andrews Joined Apr 12, 2005
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Jun 18, 2018, 05:20 AM

Ahhh. Got it. Thanks for that.
My thinking when I wrote it was that because I had the last line of every stanza going down (musically) to separate it from the other lines (as a kind of a stand-alone synopsis of the stanza), that I could emphasize that separation from the rest of the lines with an un-rhymed word selection there. I didn’t even think about having those last lines rhyme with one another. It’s an interesting suggestion. I always like to learn new techniques so I’m going to think on that one. Thanks Gary.

Jen

https://soundcloud.com/jennystokes-nz
http://www.evansandstokes.com

“One good thing about music, when it hits you, you feel no pain”
- Bob Marley

 
     
Jenny Stokes Joined Sep 24, 2015
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